Aside

You asked for it….

27 Aug

“Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover.” That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”

I decided to dedicate a post to my awesome online dating messages

From Bored_Gamer. This gentlemen and I had been messaging back and forth. I finally told him my name (Ali) and even put my name at the end of my last message. His response was this:

Hi Carrie,

I’m running all over tomorrow and I’m not sure when I will be done with work. I think Thursday will work and meeting in the middle sounds fine. Sorry I can’t be more definite, I’m working on a dificult part of this project and get called all over the place. I will write you tomorrow when I’m sure about Thursday. Any place in mind?

Nick

I’m sorry. But how the hell does one get Carrie from my name? Perhaps he was thinking he was talking to another lady on Ok or something but I decided to respectfully decline meeting him.

 …

From Scooby_S – 90% Enemy, 0% Friend, 10% Match

Hey! =) Id love to know more about you! You have a great smile! You sound like a wonderful women…I used to live in Elk grove…I wnet to school there… Hope to talk to you soon!
-Steven

&

From jr242

“Sweetheart your gorgeous.”

I am sure people are wondering why I thought these needed to be on my list of ridiculous messages but those who know me should understand why it made the list right away.

 …

 Randomly one night I received a message from a dude with the username ml643. This is all he wrote. “Hey. How are you tonight?” I decided to creep on his profile to see what this dude was all about and this is what I got:

“So, I’m a 30 year old separated guy in Chicago for business. I’m interested in meeting a nice, sexy and uninhibited woman for a short term fling while I’m here. I travel to the Chicago area pretty frequently, so if the connection is there, I might be open to something ongoing.”

WTF. No where in my profile does it say I want a short term fling or have casual sex with anyone nor has it ever said that.

 …

From Onemoveahead. Even though I had posted this little number on Middlest’s wall, I needed to include it in this post. It’s ridiculous. He no longer has an account therefore I was unable to grab a photo of him wearing a lovely cheese head hat.

 Hi. I’m Big Mike. You have a sick profile and an even sicker smile!

I propose 6 unthinkable options for your viewing pleasure at the very least. Each option provides untold pain and misery should you choose to embark:

1. We can take things slow and have a Q&A session over a few “get to know you” e-mails before meeting.

2. We can shift into 2nd gear, trade digits, and exchange hundreds of texts for a conversation that would’ve taken 30 minutes had we just talked.

3. If you want to skip the foreplay, we could meet within the next couple days for drinks or dinner and embrace each others’ awesomeness.

4. If you think you have a pair, we could shift into max gear and I could throw you into a sea of passion, rip off all your clothes, explore your body and make love to you like no other man would [NOT RECOMMENDED – JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE].

5. If none of my options entice you or if number 4 drew a cold blank stare, you’re free to tell me to go violate myself with a number of objects.

6. We can grab my balls and whack them….on the tennis court.

Why should I have all the fun? Feel free to add your own options or combine some of mine.

Big Mike

 …

Toogoodmaybe 21% Enemy 81% Friend 58% Match

I have no clue what the hell I was thinking, but I gave him my number. While at work, he left me a voicemail:

“Hey Ali. This is John giving you a call again. I noticed that you had clicked on my profile again but you never picked up the phone to call me back…Sooo this is me telling you that I promise I am way more fun to kiss in real life than to imagine it. So give me a call.”

DAlete

 …

Here are some one-liners for your reading enjoyment…..

Jsmm1986

“UUGH! Why does beauty have to be so far away?”

 …

XFOOTBALLPRO7

38% Enemy 59% Friend 52% Match

“im very intersted in u”

 …

Slupreeboy44

“Sexy.”

 …

Football 1721            60% Enemy 29% Friend 21% Match

“You look wild.”

Really? Do I really look wild? FYI, this was my picture at the time:

Really? How does this make me look wild?

 …

Playbigg  92% Enemy 0% Friend 0% Match

“Wow…you’re gorgeous. Any interest in younger guys………?”

Curious as to how “young” this dude was, I creeped on his profile to find out this young whipper snapper was 18. Fucking 18. As much as I have been known to like the younger guys and am fan of Nick Jonas (who is 19) and the Biebs (who is 18), I just found it to be a bit young for me. Perhaps he was looking for a sugar mama but if he would have read my profile he would see that I am social worker and make diddly squat. However, with a profile pic of this I know that I will be regretting my decision later on.

 An image of playbigg

From alexdel9355

“So your from the u.p. hu? I have friends from there they call me a fib if you know what it means laugh out loud ! if you dont message me i wont bite promise.”

 …

From runner211600 38% Enemy 37% Friend 39% Match

“Ever done a threesome?”

His profile had photos of him and his girlfriend. Both were looking for a good looking, nice girl to suit their needs….

From yourmom132

“hey there;) want to have some fun tonight??”

He messaged the same thing twice to me.

 …

From ilovelattemocha

“Hi, I have come across your profile on this site and really intrigued by it. I have got an offer and wondering if you would be interested in hearing it. This is a relevant offer. So let me know either way :)”

 …

From JoeSmoo2000

“your smoken hot. marry me please.”

 …

From latenight91607

“Damn you are gorgeous…i am in town this weekend…

Care to be my dinner date tonight…Rafeael

 …

From jrfpok

“God damn you’re sexy. Want to hook up?”

 …

After living in EGV for a little under a year, my good friend Nick told me that he recently joined OkCupid and suggested I give it a try. Since it was free and I did not have anything to lose, I decided to give it a whirl. Well, readers, let me tell you…It’s been a very “interesting” experience to say the least. As most of you know, I did not date much in high school or college so dating in general was/still is all new to me. Since I have been on OkC I have met and gone out with several nice guys along with several douchebags (though at the time I thought they were ‘nice’). Those who were nice I continued to make ‘appointments’ with to see if anything would progress…But no cigar. There were several times where I thought it was all hunky-dory but in reality they were the ones not interested…And boy oh boy does rejection suck. Praise Jesus I have Middlest, Youngest, and awesome friends who let me bitch/vent/cry/bitch some more about it.

Anyhoo, with that said I believe I am going to ‘dAlete’ my OkC profile soon and give a whirl at paying for love. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to date a face like this???

Image 

XxX –

Eldest.

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Aside

Coffee Talk with my neighbor Rose

11 May
{Coffee Talk with my Neighbor Rose}
“How’s my favorite girl?”
Before I could answer….
“Do you know why I am here?”
“To get coffee from me?”{Sidenote: She stops by the clubhouse/office every day for coffee}
“That’s right. You make the best coffee everrrrrrr.”
I grab a Styrofoam cup from the cupboard, pour some cold and old coffee into the cup, reheat {One minute}, put one sugar packet in, and stir the shit out of it. Rose then grabs her back stating that her back hurts. She then turns me around, touches my ass stating that it “hurts right around there.” Instead of freaking out/being a spaz {Like I normally would be} I act like she did not violate me by saying “Right about the bum, eh?” Rose nods saying “Yup. I don’t know how I got it. I didn’t do anything or anyone.” She then chuckles to herself, sits on the couch, and starts drinking her coffee through her stirrer.
The next day Rose stops by again for her usual coffee that I “make” for her. While pouring coffee, Rose touched my hair complimenting me on how pretty it was. She then smiled and asked….
“How often to do you wash your hair? Once a week? Once a month?”
“I wash it everyday, Rose.”
“What do you mean EVERYDAY?! Aren’t you afraid it’s going to fall out when you wash it? You need to make sure it all stays ‘attached’….(Thinks a moment) Oh, never mind, you are young. I am old.”
“How’s your little girl?”
“I don’t have a little girl. The little girl that you see here every now and then is Connie’s daughter.”
“Oh. Ok. How’s your husband?”
“I don’t have a husband, Rose.”
{Sidenote: Rose is my neighbor so you would think she would know that I am a spinster}
Rose’s eyes grew quite large and she appeared to be ‘flipping a lid’
“This is the BEST news I have heard all day. You should NEVER get married or have children because you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.”
{Sidenote: This is coming from a woman who WAS married to man she prays for every day at church |he’s dead| and who HAS three children who come to see her all.the.time}
Coffee talk, anyone?
{Sorry I couldn’t get the video to upload on the webpage}