Tag Archives: Work

Will you knit me a scarf?

18 Jul

My boss just informed me that one of our bitty’s is doing something “romantic” for his wife for her birthday. He (excitedly) told my boss that he plans on knitting her a scarf and/or socks. Kinda of cute, right? Wrong. Why do I say that? Well it is because the bitty is planning on using their CATS  hair as material. He has been SAVING the hair in plastic bags for MONTHS and plans on fung schui-ing the hair into either a scarf or socks. 

…..

Jim

…..

Am I wrong for thinking this is odd and a bit gross? Happy Thursday friends. Hope you aren’t sweating balls too much.

XxX,

 

Eldest

Bras & John Stamos.

5 Feb

 

For your Tuesday pleasure….A mini convo I had the other day with a lady bitty….

“I’m going let you in on a little secret. See this big Hawaii sweatshirt I am wearing? I used to have another one that had pretty Christmas Hawaiian flowers on it but got rid of it…Anyway; the reason why I am wearing this is because I have decided that I am no longer going to wear a bra around here. I want to relax my boobs. For years I have worn wired bras and the one side has always been irritated. Since I do not have a boy toy to massage it, I will just go without.” – Bitty 

“Well you could always find a boy toy….” – Me

“I don’t have that kind of money to be paying for one. Though it would be very, very nice to have one. You know, I keep buying that Greek Yogurt they advertise yet the man in the commercial never pops up.”   – Bitty

“John Stamos?” – Me

“Whatever his name is. My God he’s dreamy.” – Bitty

 

 

XoXo –

Eldest.

 

I like big butts and I cannot lie….

16 Jan

                 Several of the bible study ladies were chattering away about this or that.  While I was getting some water (trying to drink 8 glasses a day which is has been difficult for me to do) I overheard one of them comment that I “looked cute today” (I am wearing a sweater dress). I let them know that the only reason why I was wearing a dress was because all of my pants were dirty or wrinkly and since I loathe ironing and have been too lazy to do laundry, I had to wear a dress. One of the bitty’s stated that if she were “little” like me, she would wear the outfits I wear to work. I shrugged my shoulders admitting I didn’t think I was little and that I have a rather large/wide butt that I got from my mom’s side (well more like my Mom and Grandma but whatever). Another bitty chimed in stating that my “ass was not big” and that my “ass was high and firm which all the boys like” and that she “wished” she had a butt like that. Knowing I’d get a good response from it, I asked her if she wanted a butt like Kim Kardashian’s. The lady made a disgusted face and said “That girl is trash. Everything about her makes me sick. I know they x-rayed her ass. I still think it’s fake, fake, fake.” The bitty then stated as soon as I get to be their age, everything “drops…your ass, your boobs, your face, everything….” She then pointed to her chest stating that her “one boob hangs lower than the other one. It’s like a juggling act over here.”  ….The rest of the bitties giggled quite a bit at that comment  and I just politely sat there, dying inside (naturally).

“Au naturel, baby. That’s how I like them.

Swing low, sweet chariots.” – Creed Bratton

X.x.X

Eldest.

‘Tis the Season! Sh*t my Residents say….

19 Dec

So I walked into the office this morning and was greeted by several members of bible study. Here is what happened during my five minute conversation with them:

“Hi Ali!!!! How are you?” – Bitties

“Heeeeeey!!!! Oh I’m just fine. How are you kids?” – Me

The small talk continued on for a few minutes and then….

“Soooooo Ali…How’s your love life?” – Bitty

Shrugs shoulders. “Uh, it’s there. I mean…” – Me

“….Well she would obviously look radiant if she had someone in her life.” – Man bitty

This is the same man bitty that gave me shit a couple weeks ago about me never being in a good mood. Anyhoo, I gave him a fake smile/I want to destroy you right now look before I sweetly said….

“Oh Bitty (I said his name, I did not call him bitty)… I ALWAYS look radiant though.” – Me

I then slapped him on the back with my fake smile still on my face. The lady bitties laugh hysterically and tell him that I “really got him.” A lady bitty grew serious, telling me that I did not need a love but told me that I should get a cat to be my companion. Apparently my “Jim from The Office” look kind of gave how I was feeling away.  Another lady bitty told the other lady bitty that was “absurd” and that I needed to be married for “at least 10 years” before getting a cat. She then looked at me, smiled with excitement and told me as soon as I have a “lover” they will rent the clubhouse and celebrate. I shook my head taking this brief convo in. Not going to lie, I do not understand how a cat could replace a “lover” especially since I am not a cat lover to begin with…Hmmmm….

|I mean I could see this being me…Minus the cats….|

 

P.S.: Aaaaaand I was just told by a man bitty that he “f*cking hated me” and my boss just kicked him out of the office for also saying other sassy things about people in the clubhouse. The sad part of this, I don’t know what I did. I mean if I did something to make him f*cking hate me then perhaps this would all would make sense. But nonetheless as Charlie Harper would say in Two and Half Men…”Hmmmm.”

 

 

 ‘Tis the season bitches. #OmgThisJustDidNotHappen #IAmLaughingAndNotCryingWhichIsNeat #DoesThisMeanIHaveAHeartOfCoal

XxX, 

Eldest

Sh*t my residents say….

14 Nov

“Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?” – Michael Scott
” Because they’re lame.” – Creed Bratton

{So not true…}

I walk in this morning with two of my residents who were also heading to the clubhouse for “bible study” (FYI -They rarely talk about the bible and are more intrigued about talking about things like Viagra (which is $10 a pop at the VA), homosexuality, and one’s color). One of the ladies said something funny so naturally I chuckled. The man bitty in charge of bible study look shocked that I was laughing and muttered to someone why I was so happy today. Of course I heard this (I may have small ears but I try not to miss much) and told him that I was most of the time in a good mood at work. Man bitty gave me a “WTF” look and said that he never sees this “good mood” from me. He then laughed and joked to his pals in bible study saying that I “must have had a great date last night.” Of course I wasn’t going to let him win this little argument we had going on. I corrected myself, explaining that 85% of the time I was in a good mood. He nodded, stating (again) that he rarely sees this. I then politely told him the other 15% of the time when I am “crabby” was when the bible study group and line dancers were here at the clubhouse. His mouth dropped. I smiled sweetly. The two ladies that I walked in began to laugh hysterically.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel that today is going to be a good day.

Liz Lemon Rocks. < – – You should click this. Made my day. Thanks cousin Dave for always doing this.

xX,

Eldest.

Sh*t my Residents Say…

12 Jul
  • One of my “newer” residents has a habit of coming into the office to visit with us pretty much every day…which is great. However, there are times where he gets a little impatient if you will and has a tendency to say things without a filter. Case in point:

“Come on you, motherf*cker.” – B

That is a direct quote that came out of his mouth after only waiting five minutes to “talk” to me. Apparently time is precious for him. This is the same resident who has blocked several visitors in the parking lot because they “took his spot.” Did I mention he is an ex-cop from Chicago?

  • During a coffee social, I had a resident tell me a story about what she did after a (male) resident cross her personal space:

“It was about a year ago. He kept telling me to “get out of the gutter” and “get off my knees” and kept rubbing my back and arms. So finally, I had to tell him to “Keep his G*d damn hands off of me.” I am an old lady. What the hell does he want from me? ” – G

  • While running around the property delivering, I saw another (new) resident sitting in the Circle of Friends by himself. I decided to briefly visit with him and to see how he was liking his new home. Before you know it, he asked this:
“How old are you?” – D
“Just turned 28.” – Me
“You are what we call an old maid….(Silence for moment).” – D
(Mouth drops. Stunned look is on my face). – Me
“Men have no respect for women. Don’t rush into anything.” – D
If that was not a confusing conversation in regards to my dating (or lack of) life, then I don’t know what is.
{Instead of cats, I will devote my life to dogs….}
  • I received a call several weeks ago from the EG Fire Department informing the office that one of our residents (our 102-year-old lady) had called them because she had burned her cherry pie in the microwave, causing a small “fire” in her microwave. He asked if someone could stop over to make sure the outlets and such were working. After putting in the work order, I decided to check on her at her apartment. I spent a good half hour calming her down (she was quite p*ssed to put it nicely) and asking her what had exactly happened. Instead of telling me the details, she decided to rip a new one about her neighbors saying things like:
“They are all useless here”….
……”I am never talking to these idiots again”
(My favorite) “The time that I actually need them to snoop in my life they aren’t around. I am done.”
burnt foods gifts, burnt foods gift, burnt foods merchandise, gifts for burnt foods, gift for burnt foods
She did ask me this:
“Are you Swedish?” – B
“Nope, I am a good chunk of French though.” – Me
“Oh. Well that’s too bad.” – B (smiles)
“Hmph.” – Me (makes a Jim face)
Before I left she thanked me and told me that it had meant a lot to her that I stopped over to make sure she was alright. Not more than fifteen minutes later one of the maintenance guys came in my “office” after looking at her kitchen outlets. He had explained to her that Ali had told him to come over to check everything out. This is what Blanche had to say:
” Ali, who the hell is Ali?!” – B
“She works in the office, B. She is the assistant manager” – Maintenance guy
“Oooooh! You mean Alison???” – B
 I sure hope I am as sharp as she is when I am 102-years-old.
 
  •  I had to tell one of my residents that he needed to calm down and that he is just stressing himself out more than he needs to (coming from me that is kinda of funny).  His response:
“KMA.” – J
“KMA? What the heck does that mean?” – Me
“Kiss me as*.” – J
“Hmph. Will have to remember to use that for the future.” – Me
Happy Thursday!
XoXo,
Eldest.