Tag Archives: old people

Liquid Dreams

24 Apr

Quite often, I have bitties that stop by my office and discuss their health issues that they have going on. Most of the time, I will admit, it is quite depressing on what they are battling with and going through. There is one bitty in particular that stops by and despite battling breast cancer has been able to inform me on the “perks” (she calls it) of getting treatment. Here are just (some) of the things that have literally come out of her mouth:

“This progesterone or whatever hormone they give men for their prostate makes me wakes up with a smile on my face. I am not quite sure how I feel about this.”

“This hormone is making me feel like what I feel is equivalent to a “wet dream” for a boy.  Shoot, I haven’t heard that term since I was 18…And here I thought only boys had that…”

“I’m worried that I might grow an “outside” organ…If you know what I mean…”

“Since on these hormones, I’ve had less chin hair growing…My face looks better, my skin feels good, and I don’t have to use that Nair product I bought at Walgreen’s….

And by far my favorite one liner by her (thus far)……

 

“If you were the right sex, I’d be all over you. Damn these hormones.”

 

For your viewing pleasure. And to think I was singing this song on top of my lungs in the shitter years ago….

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3bil5_o-town-liquid-dreams_music#.UXgbW6KG3To

XxX –

Eldest.

Bras & John Stamos.

5 Feb

 

For your Tuesday pleasure….A mini convo I had the other day with a lady bitty….

“I’m going let you in on a little secret. See this big Hawaii sweatshirt I am wearing? I used to have another one that had pretty Christmas Hawaiian flowers on it but got rid of it…Anyway; the reason why I am wearing this is because I have decided that I am no longer going to wear a bra around here. I want to relax my boobs. For years I have worn wired bras and the one side has always been irritated. Since I do not have a boy toy to massage it, I will just go without.” – Bitty 

“Well you could always find a boy toy….” – Me

“I don’t have that kind of money to be paying for one. Though it would be very, very nice to have one. You know, I keep buying that Greek Yogurt they advertise yet the man in the commercial never pops up.”   – Bitty

“John Stamos?” – Me

“Whatever his name is. My God he’s dreamy.” – Bitty

 

 

XoXo –

Eldest.

 

I like big butts and I cannot lie….

16 Jan

                 Several of the bible study ladies were chattering away about this or that.  While I was getting some water (trying to drink 8 glasses a day which is has been difficult for me to do) I overheard one of them comment that I “looked cute today” (I am wearing a sweater dress). I let them know that the only reason why I was wearing a dress was because all of my pants were dirty or wrinkly and since I loathe ironing and have been too lazy to do laundry, I had to wear a dress. One of the bitty’s stated that if she were “little” like me, she would wear the outfits I wear to work. I shrugged my shoulders admitting I didn’t think I was little and that I have a rather large/wide butt that I got from my mom’s side (well more like my Mom and Grandma but whatever). Another bitty chimed in stating that my “ass was not big” and that my “ass was high and firm which all the boys like” and that she “wished” she had a butt like that. Knowing I’d get a good response from it, I asked her if she wanted a butt like Kim Kardashian’s. The lady made a disgusted face and said “That girl is trash. Everything about her makes me sick. I know they x-rayed her ass. I still think it’s fake, fake, fake.” The bitty then stated as soon as I get to be their age, everything “drops…your ass, your boobs, your face, everything….” She then pointed to her chest stating that her “one boob hangs lower than the other one. It’s like a juggling act over here.”  ….The rest of the bitties giggled quite a bit at that comment  and I just politely sat there, dying inside (naturally).

“Au naturel, baby. That’s how I like them.

Swing low, sweet chariots.” – Creed Bratton

X.x.X

Eldest.

‘Tis the Season! Sh*t my Residents say….

19 Dec

So I walked into the office this morning and was greeted by several members of bible study. Here is what happened during my five minute conversation with them:

“Hi Ali!!!! How are you?” – Bitties

“Heeeeeey!!!! Oh I’m just fine. How are you kids?” – Me

The small talk continued on for a few minutes and then….

“Soooooo Ali…How’s your love life?” – Bitty

Shrugs shoulders. “Uh, it’s there. I mean…” – Me

“….Well she would obviously look radiant if she had someone in her life.” – Man bitty

This is the same man bitty that gave me shit a couple weeks ago about me never being in a good mood. Anyhoo, I gave him a fake smile/I want to destroy you right now look before I sweetly said….

“Oh Bitty (I said his name, I did not call him bitty)… I ALWAYS look radiant though.” – Me

I then slapped him on the back with my fake smile still on my face. The lady bitties laugh hysterically and tell him that I “really got him.” A lady bitty grew serious, telling me that I did not need a love but told me that I should get a cat to be my companion. Apparently my “Jim from The Office” look kind of gave how I was feeling away.  Another lady bitty told the other lady bitty that was “absurd” and that I needed to be married for “at least 10 years” before getting a cat. She then looked at me, smiled with excitement and told me as soon as I have a “lover” they will rent the clubhouse and celebrate. I shook my head taking this brief convo in. Not going to lie, I do not understand how a cat could replace a “lover” especially since I am not a cat lover to begin with…Hmmmm….

|I mean I could see this being me…Minus the cats….|

 

P.S.: Aaaaaand I was just told by a man bitty that he “f*cking hated me” and my boss just kicked him out of the office for also saying other sassy things about people in the clubhouse. The sad part of this, I don’t know what I did. I mean if I did something to make him f*cking hate me then perhaps this would all would make sense. But nonetheless as Charlie Harper would say in Two and Half Men…”Hmmmm.”

 

 

 ‘Tis the season bitches. #OmgThisJustDidNotHappen #IAmLaughingAndNotCryingWhichIsNeat #DoesThisMeanIHaveAHeartOfCoal

XxX, 

Eldest

Sh*t my residents say….

14 Nov

“Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?” – Michael Scott
” Because they’re lame.” – Creed Bratton

{So not true…}

I walk in this morning with two of my residents who were also heading to the clubhouse for “bible study” (FYI -They rarely talk about the bible and are more intrigued about talking about things like Viagra (which is $10 a pop at the VA), homosexuality, and one’s color). One of the ladies said something funny so naturally I chuckled. The man bitty in charge of bible study look shocked that I was laughing and muttered to someone why I was so happy today. Of course I heard this (I may have small ears but I try not to miss much) and told him that I was most of the time in a good mood at work. Man bitty gave me a “WTF” look and said that he never sees this “good mood” from me. He then laughed and joked to his pals in bible study saying that I “must have had a great date last night.” Of course I wasn’t going to let him win this little argument we had going on. I corrected myself, explaining that 85% of the time I was in a good mood. He nodded, stating (again) that he rarely sees this. I then politely told him the other 15% of the time when I am “crabby” was when the bible study group and line dancers were here at the clubhouse. His mouth dropped. I smiled sweetly. The two ladies that I walked in began to laugh hysterically.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel that today is going to be a good day.

Liz Lemon Rocks. < – – You should click this. Made my day. Thanks cousin Dave for always doing this.

xX,

Eldest.

Sh*t my Residents Say…

12 Jul
  • One of my “newer” residents has a habit of coming into the office to visit with us pretty much every day…which is great. However, there are times where he gets a little impatient if you will and has a tendency to say things without a filter. Case in point:

“Come on you, motherf*cker.” – B

That is a direct quote that came out of his mouth after only waiting five minutes to “talk” to me. Apparently time is precious for him. This is the same resident who has blocked several visitors in the parking lot because they “took his spot.” Did I mention he is an ex-cop from Chicago?

  • During a coffee social, I had a resident tell me a story about what she did after a (male) resident cross her personal space:

“It was about a year ago. He kept telling me to “get out of the gutter” and “get off my knees” and kept rubbing my back and arms. So finally, I had to tell him to “Keep his G*d damn hands off of me.” I am an old lady. What the hell does he want from me? ” – G

  • While running around the property delivering, I saw another (new) resident sitting in the Circle of Friends by himself. I decided to briefly visit with him and to see how he was liking his new home. Before you know it, he asked this:
“How old are you?” – D
“Just turned 28.” – Me
“You are what we call an old maid….(Silence for moment).” – D
(Mouth drops. Stunned look is on my face). – Me
“Men have no respect for women. Don’t rush into anything.” – D
If that was not a confusing conversation in regards to my dating (or lack of) life, then I don’t know what is.
{Instead of cats, I will devote my life to dogs….}
  • I received a call several weeks ago from the EG Fire Department informing the office that one of our residents (our 102-year-old lady) had called them because she had burned her cherry pie in the microwave, causing a small “fire” in her microwave. He asked if someone could stop over to make sure the outlets and such were working. After putting in the work order, I decided to check on her at her apartment. I spent a good half hour calming her down (she was quite p*ssed to put it nicely) and asking her what had exactly happened. Instead of telling me the details, she decided to rip a new one about her neighbors saying things like:
“They are all useless here”….
……”I am never talking to these idiots again”
(My favorite) “The time that I actually need them to snoop in my life they aren’t around. I am done.”
burnt foods gifts, burnt foods gift, burnt foods merchandise, gifts for burnt foods, gift for burnt foods
She did ask me this:
“Are you Swedish?” – B
“Nope, I am a good chunk of French though.” – Me
“Oh. Well that’s too bad.” – B (smiles)
“Hmph.” – Me (makes a Jim face)
Before I left she thanked me and told me that it had meant a lot to her that I stopped over to make sure she was alright. Not more than fifteen minutes later one of the maintenance guys came in my “office” after looking at her kitchen outlets. He had explained to her that Ali had told him to come over to check everything out. This is what Blanche had to say:
” Ali, who the hell is Ali?!” – B
“She works in the office, B. She is the assistant manager” – Maintenance guy
“Oooooh! You mean Alison???” – B
 I sure hope I am as sharp as she is when I am 102-years-old.
 
  •  I had to tell one of my residents that he needed to calm down and that he is just stressing himself out more than he needs to (coming from me that is kinda of funny).  His response:
“KMA.” – J
“KMA? What the heck does that mean?” – Me
“Kiss me as*.” – J
“Hmph. Will have to remember to use that for the future.” – Me
Happy Thursday!
XoXo,
Eldest.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

27 Jun

{FYI: this is not one of my residents}

As part of my job, I am in charge of planning all of the activities for the residents on and off site with on site activities including potlucks, coffee socials, wine & cheese and tea parties, ice cream socials, dinners, movies, book club, blah, blah, blah. The perk of this job is when we go off site for activities because I also have to “attend” those. So I get to partake in going to things like the racetrack, plays, boat cruises, and of course casino trips. This post is about one of my more recent adventures off site with my seniors (55 and older). One of my worst fears came true on June 13th, 2012 where I lost and had to leave behind a resident of mine. Things were great that morning and right until we had to load up the bus to go home. Everyone showed up at 9am and were all pumped to gamble their money away at the Four Winds Casino in New Buffalo, Michigan – about a two hour bus ride. Everyone that I talk to had a lovely time stuffing their faces (myself, included) at the all-you-can-eat buffet and enjoyed “getting out” for the day. So after winning $100 (and not spending a dime of my own money), I decided to make the trek back to the bus and round up the troops for our trip back to EGV.

At around 2:30pm I decided to start silently taking “role call” on the bus to see who of the 45 seniors was here and who still needed to rejoin the group. Within a matter of minutes, the seniors started to pile into the bus. Around 2:50pm I grew (extra) worried because the only person I had not seen was Herb; however, I thought maybe he snuck past me. I told the seniors that I was going to take roll call again and needed them to state “here” when their name was called. Going down the list, I was getting every kind of “here” you can imagine: loud, soft, a hand clap, a grunt, muffle, etc. I got to Herb’s name and stated, Herb (insert last name.)? I looked up where he had been sitting in the morning on the bus; however, there was no Herb to be found. The ladies and several dudes that were sitting next to them shrugging their shoulders, shaking their heads, confused as to where the heck Herb went. Knowing that I had a good five minutes before the bus was scheduled to leave, I asked the driver if I could make a “mad sweep” (yes, I said mad sweep to the driver) around the casino. The driver raised his eyebrows and told me to “go for it.” And so, I booked it. I walked faster than I normally do (so if you know me, it was bat shit fast) around the entire casino, trying to see if I could catch of glimpse of Herb. I called for his name in every men’s (and ladies) restroom, skimmed through the shops, and around the poker tables and slot machines but Herb was no where to be seen. I thought (just) maybe Herb liked to be “right on time” and sitting on the bus waiting for me to join then on the venture back to IL. So I made a mad dash back to the (purple) bus and asked the driver if our missing guy had returned. The driver shook his head, looked at his watch (It was now 3:10 pm CST), and told me that we needed to leave soon or else he would get into trouble with his manager. One of my smoker residents (who ironically helped me the last time we had “lost” someone) said she would help me find Herb. So we went. I made sure to stay close by to her because I did not want (nor had the nerves) to lose another resident. We skimmed and weaved in and out of the aisles of the slot machines. We briskly walked around all the poker tables, and even peaked in the buffet restaurant – even though I was 99% he was not in here because I had seen him rubbing his belly the hour before – but Herb was no where to be found.

This is, my friends, where I started to freak the f*ck out. I called my boss right away and told her the situation I was in. I asked her what I should do: Should I stay or should I go? (And now after reading that question, start humming to the 80’s song by Clash….too soon?!). My boss said she was going to try calling Herb’s cell phone to see if he would answer it and that she would call me back. It felt like eternity waiting for her phone call and it is here when it gets a bit blurry. My resident and I are walking back to the bus. My boss still has still not called me back. I see the driver looking at his watch and is on the phone with someone (I presume his boss; after all, it is now 3:25pm CST). I frantically called my boss back and asked her what I should do. She told me she was going to try reaching his son but before I let her babble on any more, I told her I didn’t have time for that and that I needed to know what to do. Do I stay here and wait for Herb or do I leave him behind (in Michigan)? After a short second pause, my boss told me that I “needed to get on the bus.” I sighed, told her “fine,” and hung up the phone. I was not even off the phone with my boss before the driver shoved his phone in my face telling me his “supervisor wanted to speak to me.” Under my breath I muffled “Oh shit,” and said “Hello?” The supervisor sweetly told me that the bus needed to leave or else would we be charged. I said that was fine and that we were leaving right now. She asked me what my residents name was and that she would have her staff be on the “look out” for him. She said that the Four Winds has a shuttle service that runs every two hours from the casino to China Town in Chicago and hung up the phone. (Chinatown, wtf, really?)

I give the phone back to the driver, tell him we are leaving, and get on the bus where I see 44 faces looking at me to see what my next move was. When I told them we were leaving without Herb, you should have seen the looks on their faces. Stunned. Mouths wide open. Shocked in disbelief. I had one resident ask me if “I was serious” about leaving Herb. I flailed my arms and in my spazzy voice said “Yes. We have searched the casino for almost a half hour and we are now late. There is a shuttle that runs to the casino to China Town every two hours so Herb is not stranded.” I then overhear someone mutter “What the hell is that going to do for him?” but I decided to ignore it, plop my butt down, and choke back the tears that were developing.

I was pretty silent on the way back and the residents near me noticed it. They kept trying to make me feel better about the whole matter saying that it “wasn’t my fault” and that “he is a grown man who shouldn’t have to be watched”, and “it’s not like you didn’t tell him when to be back,” kind of remarks. We are about 20 minutes away when my phone starts to ring. It’s my boss. I answer to her saying “Great news! We found him!” Apparently Herb got on the bus right next door to our bus (that was NOT purple) and didn’t realize he was sitting next to strangers until it was too late.  Fortunately, the bus was going towards IL and he ended up being about 20 minutes away from EGV. Herb simply called his son, told him he “screwed up” and that he needed him to pick him up. From what I was told, Herb made it in time to sit in the circle with all of his buddies to shoot the shit about today’s adventure.

The next day, Herb comes in and gives me a great big hug. He apologizes for all that “commotion” he started and said that even despite getting on the wrong bus, he had a wonderful time. He then asked me this….

“So, Ali, when are we going on the next casino trip?” – Herb

My response:…….

Now enjoy this awesome 80’s video by The Clash….

xXxX,

Eldest

Sh*t my Residents say…

23 May
Sh*t my Residents say to me….
  • “I’m not going to find a boyfriend because I don’t want ‘his’ troubles.” – Rose |This is coming from a woman that I feel has been celibate since her husband passed away over 40 years ago (or probably before that)|
  • A new resident, Bill, has lately been bringing me chocolate bars. Why? I do not know. I don’t even like chocolate but don’t have the heart to tell him this. After thanking him for the Ghirardelli Dark & Caramel bar, he tells me “Don’t get fat,” hits my hip bone and walks away which leaves me speechless.
  • After making a sarcastic comment to my 102-year-old resident, Blanche, she tells me this: “If I were strong enough, I would grab a chair and clonk you over the head with it.” She then decided to tell me she gets the ‘runs’ from tomatoes and spaghetti and will throw her Meals and Wheels lunches away if they bring her that ‘shit.‘ Blanche then mentioned she cannot eat prunes because they do the ‘same thing’ to her. Before leaving, she mentioned that her children are idiots and that she “may be old, but she isn’t stupid nor deaf.”
  • Maria, my Polish lady, told me that Pope she has hanging on her wall in her bedroom is the one who makes sure her pictures and lamp share are ‘dust-free.’ She has never had to dust since she put up that picture. My response...”So you are telling me the Pope up there {I point to the framed picture of Pope John Paul II} is the reason why your bedroom is dust free?” Her response (In her thick Polish/German accent), “Exactly.” My response, “OoOoOokay then.”
  • I asked Lorraine how she felt about last night’s crowning of Dancing with the Stars |We both bonded over this every Tuesday & Wednesday lately|. She asked who won because she had been “too busy” to watch it. I asked her what the hell she was doing at 9:30pm at night. Lorraine said again she was “busy.” Before she could say anything else, I jokingly stated she “probably was doing it last night with her husband.” Lorraine smugly smiled, stating “Indeed I was.” When I gave her a “WTF/Too much/too soon look,” she shrugged her shoulders stating that “You were the one who guessed it.”
And no, I am not making any of this sh*t up. Happy Hump Day!
xXx,
aLi

Wandering Vagina anyone?

28 Apr

While I was out and about this week delivering at work, I was able to catch up (twice, even) with one of my lovely Polish lady resident who insists on speaking French to me (because of my “French” heritage as she calls it) even though I have not a clue as to what the hell she is saying. Anyhoo, I ask her how she’s doing and that is has been quite a while since I have last seen her. She nods her head, rambles about something or another, and tells me that her legs are swollen and “full of blisters.” She (of course) pulls up her sweatpants (love) and shows me the sores on her legs (don’t love) and tells me it is due to her diabetes. She then precedes to hunch over and walk like an ape, grabbing her “lady bits area,” rubs/pats the area and tells me “it” is wandering (“it” meaning her lady bits for those who are slow/can’t catch on) – – And that she has accidents all the time and needs to get that taken care of. For a hot second there I thought she was going to show me her “wandering va-jay-jay…” That, my readers, would not have been a pleasant site to see….Too much, too soon for Ali.

Image

The next day, I had the pleasure of seeing her again while I was out and about on the property. This time she told me that she had prayed to God for me to come and get her rent check because her “stupid kids forgot to bring it to the office.” After saying “Praise Jesus” several times she asked me “what was up” and if “I had a boyfriend.” When I told her I did not, she asked me why. I shrugged my shoulders and told her I didn’t know. My Polish lady then flailed her arms out and told me she would find one for me and then did a little jive dance if you will. Shaking my head as I was leaving, I told her that was great and to keep me posted on this new adventure for her….
The only problem I have with this is this: The lady hasn’t left her apartment in almost a year and the only male dudes she speaks to on a weekly basis is her “stupid” son and her neighbor who is, of course, old.
{ aLi }