Tag Archives: Eldest

“Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??” -handsomejames

30 Sep

There really is not much to say other than I am stunned. Speechless, even. I found  yet another fabulous deal for good ‘ole match.com ($9.99) and thought I’d give round 2 a go…Not even being on this for 12 hours this is literally the FIRST message I receive from this awesome and ridiculous website….

Meet handsomejames –

Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??

Hey, You’re CUTE!!! Just a regular True Authentic MAN…..ever met ONE?…..WELL THEN…..I want to meet you and act like teenagers making out all night….let me know if you like to make out……maybe you don’t……my lips ARE the finest thing in life……you can take that to the bank….call me NOW, I’m here waiting… 11:55p 9-29 at 847-618-****….we can talk about your favorite perfume to wear….don’t kid yourself….this is NO JOKE….You want a fantasy date….call……YOU are just the Angel I neeeeeeeeed NOW….I’m ONLY HERE UNTIL Oct 12….then back to SB for me!!!!….. I am in a very private suite at ArlHtsRd/Central…all week..DON’T WASTE TIME…..This is a ONCE in a lifetime chance for a real fantasy experience……get out your sexiest nighty……call me Baby…..I know you need this….what little Angel doesn’t deserve a loving authentic Man?……Curious like the kitty?…I’ll use all of your nine lives killing you softly with kisses you will take to the grave..

So after rereading this unique message from my email account, I decided I needed to creep scope out handsomejames match.com profile…and this is what I found out….

In his own words….

NO GUTS, NO GLORY…..Where’s the love ladies? ONE!!!!! Not one of you want ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU “WANT” THISCRAP, AND THOSESHOES, that, andvtavel, and blanasabablaplap…who is up ndwants the sweets thing forAngels? “World’s Greatest Kisser” Start here and forget the rest. Taught at a very young age by a woman how to pleasure a woman into extacies…for hours….days…ever had that… Handsome (most of the time), clean, (shower once a month whether I need it or not), friendly, 48, (look younger?), healthy, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes you sick, poor, and stupid,” independent, educated, retired professional, funny (Ya think?), supportive, PROTECTIVE, experienced in life, LOVE,LAUGHTER, honest to a fault, active, with time on my hands for my friends, many interests and dreams (still), ex-every-extreme activity doer, hang glider pilot/crasher confined to wheelchair (24 years) seeks caring, compassionate, stable, cute, petite, patient, friend(s), lover(s), partner(s) in life, who like(s) to be held, hugged, and kissed often, early, for lunch, and all night. Neurotics, nut cases, alcoholics, or spoiled “I want” personalities need not apply BUT CAN BE RELEASED FROM THEIR FEARS with EFT,Meridian “Tapping”. I am as passionate and devoted to living life to the fullest as I was before I pushed envelope and crashed out making most of the active stuff a spectator sport. I’m not looking for and do not need a nursemaid or someone to micromanage my life. I am romantic and attentive to the love of my life and not into games or head trips. “Will work for back massages.” My most recent profession is teaching Energy Medicine.

And I know you are just DYING to know what handsomejames looks like…Here you go:

handsomejames
handsomejames58, Santa Barbara, CA
Seeking Female 20-55

 

Youngest is already preparing her speech for the big day. Middlest feels I should call him because it “would be hilarious.”Ally B is impressed with him because he has “been trained on how to please a woman.”

What are YOUR thoughts blog readers?

…..

This is going to be one long month…Happy Monday fools.

XoXo,

Eldest.

Will you knit me a scarf?

18 Jul

My boss just informed me that one of our bitty’s is doing something “romantic” for his wife for her birthday. He (excitedly) told my boss that he plans on knitting her a scarf and/or socks. Kinda of cute, right? Wrong. Why do I say that? Well it is because the bitty is planning on using their CATS  hair as material. He has been SAVING the hair in plastic bags for MONTHS and plans on fung schui-ing the hair into either a scarf or socks. 

…..

Jim

…..

Am I wrong for thinking this is odd and a bit gross? Happy Thursday friends. Hope you aren’t sweating balls too much.

XxX,

 

Eldest

Bras & John Stamos.

5 Feb

 

For your Tuesday pleasure….A mini convo I had the other day with a lady bitty….

“I’m going let you in on a little secret. See this big Hawaii sweatshirt I am wearing? I used to have another one that had pretty Christmas Hawaiian flowers on it but got rid of it…Anyway; the reason why I am wearing this is because I have decided that I am no longer going to wear a bra around here. I want to relax my boobs. For years I have worn wired bras and the one side has always been irritated. Since I do not have a boy toy to massage it, I will just go without.” – Bitty 

“Well you could always find a boy toy….” – Me

“I don’t have that kind of money to be paying for one. Though it would be very, very nice to have one. You know, I keep buying that Greek Yogurt they advertise yet the man in the commercial never pops up.”   – Bitty

“John Stamos?” – Me

“Whatever his name is. My God he’s dreamy.” – Bitty

 

 

XoXo –

Eldest.

 

‘Tis the Season! Sh*t my Residents say….

19 Dec

So I walked into the office this morning and was greeted by several members of bible study. Here is what happened during my five minute conversation with them:

“Hi Ali!!!! How are you?” – Bitties

“Heeeeeey!!!! Oh I’m just fine. How are you kids?” – Me

The small talk continued on for a few minutes and then….

“Soooooo Ali…How’s your love life?” – Bitty

Shrugs shoulders. “Uh, it’s there. I mean…” – Me

“….Well she would obviously look radiant if she had someone in her life.” – Man bitty

This is the same man bitty that gave me shit a couple weeks ago about me never being in a good mood. Anyhoo, I gave him a fake smile/I want to destroy you right now look before I sweetly said….

“Oh Bitty (I said his name, I did not call him bitty)… I ALWAYS look radiant though.” – Me

I then slapped him on the back with my fake smile still on my face. The lady bitties laugh hysterically and tell him that I “really got him.” A lady bitty grew serious, telling me that I did not need a love but told me that I should get a cat to be my companion. Apparently my “Jim from The Office” look kind of gave how I was feeling away.  Another lady bitty told the other lady bitty that was “absurd” and that I needed to be married for “at least 10 years” before getting a cat. She then looked at me, smiled with excitement and told me as soon as I have a “lover” they will rent the clubhouse and celebrate. I shook my head taking this brief convo in. Not going to lie, I do not understand how a cat could replace a “lover” especially since I am not a cat lover to begin with…Hmmmm….

|I mean I could see this being me…Minus the cats….|

 

P.S.: Aaaaaand I was just told by a man bitty that he “f*cking hated me” and my boss just kicked him out of the office for also saying other sassy things about people in the clubhouse. The sad part of this, I don’t know what I did. I mean if I did something to make him f*cking hate me then perhaps this would all would make sense. But nonetheless as Charlie Harper would say in Two and Half Men…”Hmmmm.”

 

 

 ‘Tis the season bitches. #OmgThisJustDidNotHappen #IAmLaughingAndNotCryingWhichIsNeat #DoesThisMeanIHaveAHeartOfCoal

XxX, 

Eldest

Sh*t my residents say….

14 Nov

“Look, why do we, as a society, hate old people so much?” – Michael Scott
” Because they’re lame.” – Creed Bratton

{So not true…}

I walk in this morning with two of my residents who were also heading to the clubhouse for “bible study” (FYI -They rarely talk about the bible and are more intrigued about talking about things like Viagra (which is $10 a pop at the VA), homosexuality, and one’s color). One of the ladies said something funny so naturally I chuckled. The man bitty in charge of bible study look shocked that I was laughing and muttered to someone why I was so happy today. Of course I heard this (I may have small ears but I try not to miss much) and told him that I was most of the time in a good mood at work. Man bitty gave me a “WTF” look and said that he never sees this “good mood” from me. He then laughed and joked to his pals in bible study saying that I “must have had a great date last night.” Of course I wasn’t going to let him win this little argument we had going on. I corrected myself, explaining that 85% of the time I was in a good mood. He nodded, stating (again) that he rarely sees this. I then politely told him the other 15% of the time when I am “crabby” was when the bible study group and line dancers were here at the clubhouse. His mouth dropped. I smiled sweetly. The two ladies that I walked in began to laugh hysterically.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I feel that today is going to be a good day.

Liz Lemon Rocks. < – – You should click this. Made my day. Thanks cousin Dave for always doing this.

xX,

Eldest.

Aside

You asked for it….

27 Aug

“Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover.” That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”

I decided to dedicate a post to my awesome online dating messages

From Bored_Gamer. This gentlemen and I had been messaging back and forth. I finally told him my name (Ali) and even put my name at the end of my last message. His response was this:

Hi Carrie,

I’m running all over tomorrow and I’m not sure when I will be done with work. I think Thursday will work and meeting in the middle sounds fine. Sorry I can’t be more definite, I’m working on a dificult part of this project and get called all over the place. I will write you tomorrow when I’m sure about Thursday. Any place in mind?

Nick

I’m sorry. But how the hell does one get Carrie from my name? Perhaps he was thinking he was talking to another lady on Ok or something but I decided to respectfully decline meeting him.

 …

From Scooby_S – 90% Enemy, 0% Friend, 10% Match

Hey! =) Id love to know more about you! You have a great smile! You sound like a wonderful women…I used to live in Elk grove…I wnet to school there… Hope to talk to you soon!
-Steven

&

From jr242

“Sweetheart your gorgeous.”

I am sure people are wondering why I thought these needed to be on my list of ridiculous messages but those who know me should understand why it made the list right away.

 …

 Randomly one night I received a message from a dude with the username ml643. This is all he wrote. “Hey. How are you tonight?” I decided to creep on his profile to see what this dude was all about and this is what I got:

“So, I’m a 30 year old separated guy in Chicago for business. I’m interested in meeting a nice, sexy and uninhibited woman for a short term fling while I’m here. I travel to the Chicago area pretty frequently, so if the connection is there, I might be open to something ongoing.”

WTF. No where in my profile does it say I want a short term fling or have casual sex with anyone nor has it ever said that.

 …

From Onemoveahead. Even though I had posted this little number on Middlest’s wall, I needed to include it in this post. It’s ridiculous. He no longer has an account therefore I was unable to grab a photo of him wearing a lovely cheese head hat.

 Hi. I’m Big Mike. You have a sick profile and an even sicker smile!

I propose 6 unthinkable options for your viewing pleasure at the very least. Each option provides untold pain and misery should you choose to embark:

1. We can take things slow and have a Q&A session over a few “get to know you” e-mails before meeting.

2. We can shift into 2nd gear, trade digits, and exchange hundreds of texts for a conversation that would’ve taken 30 minutes had we just talked.

3. If you want to skip the foreplay, we could meet within the next couple days for drinks or dinner and embrace each others’ awesomeness.

4. If you think you have a pair, we could shift into max gear and I could throw you into a sea of passion, rip off all your clothes, explore your body and make love to you like no other man would [NOT RECOMMENDED – JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE].

5. If none of my options entice you or if number 4 drew a cold blank stare, you’re free to tell me to go violate myself with a number of objects.

6. We can grab my balls and whack them….on the tennis court.

Why should I have all the fun? Feel free to add your own options or combine some of mine.

Big Mike

 …

Toogoodmaybe 21% Enemy 81% Friend 58% Match

I have no clue what the hell I was thinking, but I gave him my number. While at work, he left me a voicemail:

“Hey Ali. This is John giving you a call again. I noticed that you had clicked on my profile again but you never picked up the phone to call me back…Sooo this is me telling you that I promise I am way more fun to kiss in real life than to imagine it. So give me a call.”

DAlete

 …

Here are some one-liners for your reading enjoyment…..

Jsmm1986

“UUGH! Why does beauty have to be so far away?”

 …

XFOOTBALLPRO7

38% Enemy 59% Friend 52% Match

“im very intersted in u”

 …

Slupreeboy44

“Sexy.”

 …

Football 1721            60% Enemy 29% Friend 21% Match

“You look wild.”

Really? Do I really look wild? FYI, this was my picture at the time:

Really? How does this make me look wild?

 …

Playbigg  92% Enemy 0% Friend 0% Match

“Wow…you’re gorgeous. Any interest in younger guys………?”

Curious as to how “young” this dude was, I creeped on his profile to find out this young whipper snapper was 18. Fucking 18. As much as I have been known to like the younger guys and am fan of Nick Jonas (who is 19) and the Biebs (who is 18), I just found it to be a bit young for me. Perhaps he was looking for a sugar mama but if he would have read my profile he would see that I am social worker and make diddly squat. However, with a profile pic of this I know that I will be regretting my decision later on.

 An image of playbigg

From alexdel9355

“So your from the u.p. hu? I have friends from there they call me a fib if you know what it means laugh out loud ! if you dont message me i wont bite promise.”

 …

From runner211600 38% Enemy 37% Friend 39% Match

“Ever done a threesome?”

His profile had photos of him and his girlfriend. Both were looking for a good looking, nice girl to suit their needs….

From yourmom132

“hey there;) want to have some fun tonight??”

He messaged the same thing twice to me.

 …

From ilovelattemocha

“Hi, I have come across your profile on this site and really intrigued by it. I have got an offer and wondering if you would be interested in hearing it. This is a relevant offer. So let me know either way :)”

 …

From JoeSmoo2000

“your smoken hot. marry me please.”

 …

From latenight91607

“Damn you are gorgeous…i am in town this weekend…

Care to be my dinner date tonight…Rafeael

 …

From jrfpok

“God damn you’re sexy. Want to hook up?”

 …

After living in EGV for a little under a year, my good friend Nick told me that he recently joined OkCupid and suggested I give it a try. Since it was free and I did not have anything to lose, I decided to give it a whirl. Well, readers, let me tell you…It’s been a very “interesting” experience to say the least. As most of you know, I did not date much in high school or college so dating in general was/still is all new to me. Since I have been on OkC I have met and gone out with several nice guys along with several douchebags (though at the time I thought they were ‘nice’). Those who were nice I continued to make ‘appointments’ with to see if anything would progress…But no cigar. There were several times where I thought it was all hunky-dory but in reality they were the ones not interested…And boy oh boy does rejection suck. Praise Jesus I have Middlest, Youngest, and awesome friends who let me bitch/vent/cry/bitch some more about it.

Anyhoo, with that said I believe I am going to ‘dAlete’ my OkC profile soon and give a whirl at paying for love. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to date a face like this???

Image 

XxX –

Eldest.