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A Trick-Or-Treat to Remember

1 Nov

My favorite holiday is Halloween, and not just because women find it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes” — Jim Gaffigan

 1950s halloween

Ahh, Halloween — the second best holiday around! Trick-or-treating was in full swing here in FC. And because it was a true joy, I need to tell you about my favorite trick-or-treaters…

Here’s the story. There are three princesses, each about 5-6 years of age.

Princess 1: Trick or Treat!
Me: Ohh! Look at all of these pretty princesses! Here…choose a piece of candy!
Princess 1: *Shuffles through the candy* Do these have gluten in it?
Me: *picks up a Laffy Taffy* It’s dark. I can’t see the label…Here…here’s some chocolate!
Princess 1: My mom says I can’t eat that because it has dairy in it.
Princess 2: Yeah, I can’t eat that either because it has gluten AND dairy in it!
Andy in the background: Did she just ask if our candy has gluten in it?
Me: Shhhh….
Princess 3: My mom says I can have gluten and dairy, but I’m allergic to cats.
Me: Alright, well…just don’t eat cats.

Jim
I gave princess 3 three pieces of candy. My heart goes out to princesses 1 & 2 who will never experience the true joy of sorting through their candy, getting a huge sugar rush, drive their parents absolutely bonkers and then crash from their sugar high the night of Halloween. …And many nights thereafter!

Happy Halloween!!!

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“Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??” -handsomejames

30 Sep

There really is not much to say other than I am stunned. Speechless, even. I found  yet another fabulous deal for good ‘ole match.com ($9.99) and thought I’d give round 2 a go…Not even being on this for 12 hours this is literally the FIRST message I receive from this awesome and ridiculous website….

Meet handsomejames –

Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??

Hey, You’re CUTE!!! Just a regular True Authentic MAN…..ever met ONE?…..WELL THEN…..I want to meet you and act like teenagers making out all night….let me know if you like to make out……maybe you don’t……my lips ARE the finest thing in life……you can take that to the bank….call me NOW, I’m here waiting… 11:55p 9-29 at 847-618-****….we can talk about your favorite perfume to wear….don’t kid yourself….this is NO JOKE….You want a fantasy date….call……YOU are just the Angel I neeeeeeeeed NOW….I’m ONLY HERE UNTIL Oct 12….then back to SB for me!!!!….. I am in a very private suite at ArlHtsRd/Central…all week..DON’T WASTE TIME…..This is a ONCE in a lifetime chance for a real fantasy experience……get out your sexiest nighty……call me Baby…..I know you need this….what little Angel doesn’t deserve a loving authentic Man?……Curious like the kitty?…I’ll use all of your nine lives killing you softly with kisses you will take to the grave..

So after rereading this unique message from my email account, I decided I needed to creep scope out handsomejames match.com profile…and this is what I found out….

In his own words….

NO GUTS, NO GLORY…..Where’s the love ladies? ONE!!!!! Not one of you want ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU “WANT” THISCRAP, AND THOSESHOES, that, andvtavel, and blanasabablaplap…who is up ndwants the sweets thing forAngels? “World’s Greatest Kisser” Start here and forget the rest. Taught at a very young age by a woman how to pleasure a woman into extacies…for hours….days…ever had that… Handsome (most of the time), clean, (shower once a month whether I need it or not), friendly, 48, (look younger?), healthy, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes you sick, poor, and stupid,” independent, educated, retired professional, funny (Ya think?), supportive, PROTECTIVE, experienced in life, LOVE,LAUGHTER, honest to a fault, active, with time on my hands for my friends, many interests and dreams (still), ex-every-extreme activity doer, hang glider pilot/crasher confined to wheelchair (24 years) seeks caring, compassionate, stable, cute, petite, patient, friend(s), lover(s), partner(s) in life, who like(s) to be held, hugged, and kissed often, early, for lunch, and all night. Neurotics, nut cases, alcoholics, or spoiled “I want” personalities need not apply BUT CAN BE RELEASED FROM THEIR FEARS with EFT,Meridian “Tapping”. I am as passionate and devoted to living life to the fullest as I was before I pushed envelope and crashed out making most of the active stuff a spectator sport. I’m not looking for and do not need a nursemaid or someone to micromanage my life. I am romantic and attentive to the love of my life and not into games or head trips. “Will work for back massages.” My most recent profession is teaching Energy Medicine.

And I know you are just DYING to know what handsomejames looks like…Here you go:

handsomejames
handsomejames58, Santa Barbara, CA
Seeking Female 20-55

 

Youngest is already preparing her speech for the big day. Middlest feels I should call him because it “would be hilarious.”Ally B is impressed with him because he has “been trained on how to please a woman.”

What are YOUR thoughts blog readers?

…..

This is going to be one long month…Happy Monday fools.

XoXo,

Eldest.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match….

9 Aug

Image

You know. Just a typical conversation between a bitty and me….

“Hey Ali. Heading to Green Bay anytime soon?” – Bitty

“Actually I’ll be there in two weeks for a Packer game.” 

“Well remember I told you I had two nephews that lived out that way?” – Bitty

(Did not remember this, but pretended like I did)

“Yea. Will they be at the game too?” 

“Oh. Well. I am not sure about that. I just found out the nephew I wanted you to meet/set you up with is gay.” – Bitty

“(Insert name), that’s the story of my life.”

“I mean I kind of had a feeling he was gay but did not want to make any assumptions.” – Bitty

“Well since we both like boys, we can become bff’s, tear up the town of Green Bay, and find men.”

…silence…

Praise Jesus it is Friday. That is all.

XoXo,

Eldest.

“Alright everybody in the conference room! I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! Just get in here, right now!”

Middlest Does It Herself: Pantry Staples — Peanut Butter and Granola Bars

12 Jun

It’s time to get cookin’ some simple staples that should be in everyone’s pantry. These two recipes are so simple, it’s comical.

The first recipe is for peanut butter. If you go to the store, you will see shelves of different types of peanut butter. Trying to read the labels on these jars will surely make you want to leave in a Jiffy. Puns aside, I have struggled with a few PB recipes, as many have lost their creamy texture within days of making it; one batch even turned into a fudge-like consistency! The final product of this recipe leaves a tasty peanut butter with a creamy consistency even weeks after making it. Bonus: You know EVERYTHING that goes into this product.

Honey-Roasted Peanut Butter – Food in Jars by Marisa McClellan

Ingredients.

  • 2 cups raw peanuts
  • 3 tablespoons honey, divided
  • 3 tablespoons peanut oil, divided
  • 1 ½ teaspoons sea salt, divided (I used salted peanuts so omitted this)

Directions.

  1. Preheat oven to 325º. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
  2. Put peanuts and 2 tablespoons in a bowl and mix together. Spread peanuts onto baking sheet.
  3. Heat for 25-30 minutes, stirring at least twice to prevent burning.
  4. When finished, allow to cool, approximately 10 minutes. Pour cooled peanuts into a processor. Add 1 tablespoon peanut oil and 1 teaspoon (if adding) and run processor.
  5. As motor runs, and the peanuts break down, drizzle remaining 2 tablespoons peanut oil.
  6. Keep processing, scraping down the sides as needed. When meeting the creaminess you desire, add remaining honey and salt.
  7. Put into a jar and refrigerate for about 1 month.

Now the granola bar recipe. I received this recipe from my boss in college. I kept  the recipe but just tried making it earlier this week. I still don’t understand how I could have a recipe for almost 5 years in my recipe binder without making it. The end result is very, very tasty. The granola bars are sweet and nutritious. Sure, there’s some sugar and butter in it, but so do most varieties of granola bars.  At least you know absolutely everything that is in this. These suckers are delicious and filling. Delightful!

Miss Kathy’s Homemade Granola Bars – Kathy H.

 

Ingredients.

  • 2 cups oats
  • ¾ wheat germ
  • ¾ cups sunflower seeds
  • 1 cup peanuts, crushed (or almonds)
  • 2/3 cup brown sugar
  • ¼ cup honey
  • 4 tablespoons butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • ½ teaspoon kosher salt
  • 8 ounces dried fruit (raisins, craisins, go wild…)

Directions.

  1. Preheat oven to 400º
  2. Crush peanuts by placing in a baggie and smashing them with a measuring cup or saucepan.
  3. Mix peanuts, oats, wheat germ, and sunflower seeds in baking dish with sides & parchment paper. Toast for 10 minutes, stirring every few minutes to prevent burning.
  4. Meanwhile, prepare glass baking dish (approx. 11X13”) by lining with parchment or wax paper lightly sprayed with nonstick spray.
  5. Put brown sugar, honey, butter, vanilla, and salt into saucepan and bring to a simmer, stirring constantly. Stop once foamy.
  6. When toasted grains are finished, combine sauce and grains in a glass bowl and stir until sauce is evenly distributed. Add dried fruit.
  7. Dump into baking dish and spread with a wooden spoon or spatula.
  8. Fold over sides of wax paper or add a sheet on top and press hard all over granola. This is important to maintain shape when you cut the granola later.
  9. Wait until cool, approximately 2-3 hours.
  10. Put granola onto cutting board and press knife to cut your granola do the desired length and width. Wrap each bar individually with plastic wrap or in layers in an airtight container.

Enjoy these recipes. Now get cookin’!

 

.x.x.x.x.x.
Middlest

My 40 Day Challange: Goin’ Vegan!

13 Feb

Being raised as a Roman Catholic, it is tradition to prepare for the coming of Christ forty days before Easter Sunday.  Typically for Lent I will give up a food item or activity to fulfill my Lenten promise.

The contenders were:
Diet Coke, no mo’!
Eliminate weekday drinking.
Going Vegan.

No diet coke is out of the question; I need my liquid caffeine to prevent a 2 o’clock siesta.

Eliminating weekday drinking deemed difficult;  a vegan diet seemed like the easiest choice of the three.  No, not VEGETARIAN…VEGAN.  There is a difference and is explained a litter later in this blog…

Recently, I watched a documentary [Vegucated, if you will]  on the benefits of a vegan lifestyle [love Netflix].  Since I reside on the eastside of Milwaukee, I have become familiar with the term ‘vegan’Not being able to consume animal products, eggs, and dairy deemed challenging to most, yet there are many who make being vegan a part of their identity!

For forty days, I will be calling myself a Lenten Vegan!  That’s right – forty days with NO meat, NO fish, NO cheese, NO dairy, NO eggs [Watch out J. Aniston – I’m ready for your bod now]. I will have to be creative with my cooking and baking, and do some research on Milwaukee dining.  Some online sources say that adapting this lifestyle will be better for my health, the environment, and for animals.

THREE BASIC REASONS FOR GOING VEGAN

  • For My Health

When one eats a plant-based diet, it is believed that they will be consuming less cholesterol and saturated (bad) fats, which in return can prevent diabetes, heart disease, and some cancers.  Yes, plant based diets do include whole grains – so I can still have carbohydrates, friends! I will definitely be eating much more veggies, fruits, and whole grains. Talk about having healthy bowel movements! Fortunately I already eat a pretty healthy diet, so increasing my greens and eliminating meat will not be huge issue for me. I just know I will miss my cheese!

  • For the Environment

Apparently, living a vegan lifestyle is better for the planet.  I learned from the documentary that vegan diets produce fewer greenhouse gas emissions than meat-based diets.  This is due to the methane gas produced from livestock [when they poop].

  • For the Animals

Factory farms sadden me.

So here we go! Now that this is public, there is no churning back [pun intended. Butter – churning butter – get it?!]

Tips? Concerns? Vegan recipes?  Share below, b!tches.

-Youngest

EEK & MEEK: Reasons Why Middlest & Youngest are INDEED Identical

26 Sep

I recently caught two of my co-workers looking at a Wikipedia page linked to “twins”.  Being naïve and blunt, I yelled “Hey! I’m a twin!”    [like they didn’t know…]   and began questioning this random search interest.  Their reasoning?  THEY DO NOT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY MEGHAN AND I ARE IDENTICAL TWINS.

I do not mean to be a princess about this subject, however, I feel as if I am always defending my likeness to so many folk I have met in Southeast Wisconsin.  This is not the first time that I had to explain to them that Middlest and I are, indeed, identical – this affair has occurred a handful of times at this particular work place.  As a matter of fact, there have been two handful of times where Middlest and I would have to defend our honor of being identical twinsnatural, without scientific intervention.

Top Perceived Reasonings to Why Meghan and I are “Not Identical”:

  • I can tell you apart! Yes, my family members, close friends, common acquaintances, and co-workers can, indeed, tell the differences between us.  Don’t you think this has anything to do with the fact you see us either solo or together all the time?  If you stared at two Siamese cats for an extended period of time, you would be able to differentiate between the two as well.
  • Meghan is taller. Yep.  She is an inch taller.  As a matter of fact, she is a half-shoe size larger than me as well. “BUT ANISSA?! IF YOU ARE IDENTICAL, HOW CAN THIS BEEEE?!” This is simply because Middlest and I were born 5-weeks pre-mature.  In 1986, this was a big fruckin’ deal, ya’ll.  Meghan simply received more nutrients while we shared the same womb and weighed 2.59 pounds more than me at birth.  Entering this world at 3lbs 11oz had me in NICU for a little over a month while Middlest went home after two weeks.  Plus, I hate milk.  Yeah – that would change the growth pattern on identical twins.
  • Your hair is different. …Really?!?!?!
  • Identical twins have the EXACT same birthmarks and markings. This is false.  We share the same DNA and blood type, but not the same markings.  As a matter of fact, I was never born with moles on my face and large beauty mark    [that’s what my mom calls it, anyway…how cute is she?!]    on the back of my leg.  That all came with childhood, people!


Top Reasons Why We are Identical:

  • The doctor said so.Yeah, we came out of the same amniotic sac and shared a placenta.  Identical twins always share the same placenta, in most cases – fraternal twins have their own sac. Monozygotic = Uno Zygotico!
  • We look alike. Contrary to popular belief by few, Middlest and I do look very much alike.  If we did not have a sister, then I may actually pay $200 for DNA testing.  Why is this?  Because sister, Eldest, is shy of 18-months older than us.

How does this make a difference one may ask?  Look below:

“BUT ANUS, YOU THREE EACH LOOK LIKE SISTERSSSSSSSS!”

  • Eyes. Eldest has hazel green eyes – a trait inherited by my father    [that bitch]    and “sad eyes” inherited by my mother.    [envious]    Meghan and I have blue gray eyes with a yellow “sun” around our pupils.    [“poop eyes”, as my former lover likes to call it — dick]    If you can tell, Eldest’s hair is very thick, and she has A LOT of it. Look at her eyebrows and eyelashes!  They are so bushy and long! I’ll be lucky to have a few eye hairs post-menopause.    [helloooooo Latisse!]
  • Nose and Ears. Yes, foolish oneWe are sisters.  On another note, Middlest and I have very similar noses    [thanks Grandma Kook]    – Eldest’s nose is so wittle and cute as a button. *bop*

    Besides Middlest having a “vagina ear”   [an environmental trait caused by a failed tragus piercing], they are indeed identical looking as well.  Eldest’s ears are much smaller – ironic since she is a huge fan of Dumbo.

  • Hair. If one could look closer, Eldest’s hair is naturally lighter brown and was once naturally curly.    [it is not anymore, but that is a whole other blog]    Middlest and I have very fine, thin, and annoyingly straight hair. It is also slightly darker.  One similarity shared between the three of us is upper lip hairWoof!
  • Our Hands and Feet. I love my feet and hands.  Eldest hates them. These appendages are scary similar between Middlest and me.  We have very bony, veiny hands and feet.  As a matter of fact, my mother used to compare these similarities when we were babies and children.  She still does this to our hands annually at Christmas Midnight Mass.   [Clearly we are Catholic]  She always shakes her head, grins, and whispers “how are you two NOT identical?”.    [Never deny a mother’s instinct…Neva!]

    Our fingers are long, our toes are long.  Eldest’s hands and toes are very much opposite of ours: short fingers/toes and quite small – in her words: “little boy hands” and “short and stubby”   [You are beautiful, no matter what you say]

  • Our Arms. Ali’s nickname is T-Rex I am done.

Now, ladies and gentlemen…if Meghan and I were indeed fraternal twins, do you not think we would each have different physical traits of Alison?

We look alike.  We came from the same sac.  We have the same DNA and blood type.  We have identical features.  I am sorry that you are pissed at the environment for making us not look freaky identical – but this is how God wants us to be so please, leave us alone SE Wisconsin amigos.


Note to the Public: Never EVER make fun of Youngest’s holiday ears in front of Eldest.  She will destroy you with her T-Rex arms.  She is one quick singleton.

Baby dolls, nighties, panties…Oh my!

20 Jul

During one of our evening discussions, L and I (for some reason or another) were talking about the difference between what she wears, “baby dolls,” and what I wear “nighties,” when it comes to bedtime attire. Knowing that I would probably get a good explanation out of her, I decided to ask her what the differences between the two were. L looked at me like I was a dummy (a word she commonly uses) stating that her “baby dolls” are “cute” and are short bottoms and tops that cover “everything.” She then explained that she could never wear a nightie because she moves around at night and the nightie would ride up on her, showing her “business” and that she would need to wear a duster around the house. With my head tilted, I told her she would not have that problem if she wore underwear at night. L’s eyes grew very wide and she appeared to be appalled of what I just suggested to her. With her eyes still as wide as could be, she asked me if I wore “panties” to bed at night. Nodding, I stated that I did. Shaking her head she asked me if I had always been “that way.” I explained that when I was younger my sisters and I had spent numerous summers at my Grandma Kook’s house and a lot of times we would wear her nightgowns. Kook would say to my sisters and me something along the lines of having our lady bits needing to air out – so I just kind of went with it. I then told L that I now wear “panties” to bed but mentioned I knew quite a few people who don’t. L interrupted saying she “does not wear panties when she wears her baby dolls.” She explained that she “needed to be ‘free’ and that her ‘husband’ would have to help her ‘undress’ when he makes love to me.” Giving her yet another babbled look (think Jim’s face from The Office look), I told her she was crazy and that was a little TMI for me. L shrugged her shoulders, said ‘tough sh*t,’ and laughed. I then mentioned to her that I did not have a husband (or lover for that matter) and that I did not have that problem. L nodded stated that I “was right but ‘that’ needs to be FREE!.”

Obviously, I need to take a poll on this awesome topic. I have a feeling that I am

TGIF!

xo,

Eldest.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

27 Jun

{FYI: this is not one of my residents}

As part of my job, I am in charge of planning all of the activities for the residents on and off site with on site activities including potlucks, coffee socials, wine & cheese and tea parties, ice cream socials, dinners, movies, book club, blah, blah, blah. The perk of this job is when we go off site for activities because I also have to “attend” those. So I get to partake in going to things like the racetrack, plays, boat cruises, and of course casino trips. This post is about one of my more recent adventures off site with my seniors (55 and older). One of my worst fears came true on June 13th, 2012 where I lost and had to leave behind a resident of mine. Things were great that morning and right until we had to load up the bus to go home. Everyone showed up at 9am and were all pumped to gamble their money away at the Four Winds Casino in New Buffalo, Michigan – about a two hour bus ride. Everyone that I talk to had a lovely time stuffing their faces (myself, included) at the all-you-can-eat buffet and enjoyed “getting out” for the day. So after winning $100 (and not spending a dime of my own money), I decided to make the trek back to the bus and round up the troops for our trip back to EGV.

At around 2:30pm I decided to start silently taking “role call” on the bus to see who of the 45 seniors was here and who still needed to rejoin the group. Within a matter of minutes, the seniors started to pile into the bus. Around 2:50pm I grew (extra) worried because the only person I had not seen was Herb; however, I thought maybe he snuck past me. I told the seniors that I was going to take roll call again and needed them to state “here” when their name was called. Going down the list, I was getting every kind of “here” you can imagine: loud, soft, a hand clap, a grunt, muffle, etc. I got to Herb’s name and stated, Herb (insert last name.)? I looked up where he had been sitting in the morning on the bus; however, there was no Herb to be found. The ladies and several dudes that were sitting next to them shrugging their shoulders, shaking their heads, confused as to where the heck Herb went. Knowing that I had a good five minutes before the bus was scheduled to leave, I asked the driver if I could make a “mad sweep” (yes, I said mad sweep to the driver) around the casino. The driver raised his eyebrows and told me to “go for it.” And so, I booked it. I walked faster than I normally do (so if you know me, it was bat shit fast) around the entire casino, trying to see if I could catch of glimpse of Herb. I called for his name in every men’s (and ladies) restroom, skimmed through the shops, and around the poker tables and slot machines but Herb was no where to be seen. I thought (just) maybe Herb liked to be “right on time” and sitting on the bus waiting for me to join then on the venture back to IL. So I made a mad dash back to the (purple) bus and asked the driver if our missing guy had returned. The driver shook his head, looked at his watch (It was now 3:10 pm CST), and told me that we needed to leave soon or else he would get into trouble with his manager. One of my smoker residents (who ironically helped me the last time we had “lost” someone) said she would help me find Herb. So we went. I made sure to stay close by to her because I did not want (nor had the nerves) to lose another resident. We skimmed and weaved in and out of the aisles of the slot machines. We briskly walked around all the poker tables, and even peaked in the buffet restaurant – even though I was 99% he was not in here because I had seen him rubbing his belly the hour before – but Herb was no where to be found.

This is, my friends, where I started to freak the f*ck out. I called my boss right away and told her the situation I was in. I asked her what I should do: Should I stay or should I go? (And now after reading that question, start humming to the 80’s song by Clash….too soon?!). My boss said she was going to try calling Herb’s cell phone to see if he would answer it and that she would call me back. It felt like eternity waiting for her phone call and it is here when it gets a bit blurry. My resident and I are walking back to the bus. My boss still has still not called me back. I see the driver looking at his watch and is on the phone with someone (I presume his boss; after all, it is now 3:25pm CST). I frantically called my boss back and asked her what I should do. She told me she was going to try reaching his son but before I let her babble on any more, I told her I didn’t have time for that and that I needed to know what to do. Do I stay here and wait for Herb or do I leave him behind (in Michigan)? After a short second pause, my boss told me that I “needed to get on the bus.” I sighed, told her “fine,” and hung up the phone. I was not even off the phone with my boss before the driver shoved his phone in my face telling me his “supervisor wanted to speak to me.” Under my breath I muffled “Oh shit,” and said “Hello?” The supervisor sweetly told me that the bus needed to leave or else would we be charged. I said that was fine and that we were leaving right now. She asked me what my residents name was and that she would have her staff be on the “look out” for him. She said that the Four Winds has a shuttle service that runs every two hours from the casino to China Town in Chicago and hung up the phone. (Chinatown, wtf, really?)

I give the phone back to the driver, tell him we are leaving, and get on the bus where I see 44 faces looking at me to see what my next move was. When I told them we were leaving without Herb, you should have seen the looks on their faces. Stunned. Mouths wide open. Shocked in disbelief. I had one resident ask me if “I was serious” about leaving Herb. I flailed my arms and in my spazzy voice said “Yes. We have searched the casino for almost a half hour and we are now late. There is a shuttle that runs to the casino to China Town every two hours so Herb is not stranded.” I then overhear someone mutter “What the hell is that going to do for him?” but I decided to ignore it, plop my butt down, and choke back the tears that were developing.

I was pretty silent on the way back and the residents near me noticed it. They kept trying to make me feel better about the whole matter saying that it “wasn’t my fault” and that “he is a grown man who shouldn’t have to be watched”, and “it’s not like you didn’t tell him when to be back,” kind of remarks. We are about 20 minutes away when my phone starts to ring. It’s my boss. I answer to her saying “Great news! We found him!” Apparently Herb got on the bus right next door to our bus (that was NOT purple) and didn’t realize he was sitting next to strangers until it was too late.  Fortunately, the bus was going towards IL and he ended up being about 20 minutes away from EGV. Herb simply called his son, told him he “screwed up” and that he needed him to pick him up. From what I was told, Herb made it in time to sit in the circle with all of his buddies to shoot the shit about today’s adventure.

The next day, Herb comes in and gives me a great big hug. He apologizes for all that “commotion” he started and said that even despite getting on the wrong bus, he had a wonderful time. He then asked me this….

“So, Ali, when are we going on the next casino trip?” – Herb

My response:…….

Now enjoy this awesome 80’s video by The Clash….

xXxX,

Eldest