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Just call me Clark Kent or Superman…

17 Oct

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       Every morning between 7:15am-7:30am I have the “pleasure” of walking the boyfriend’s pup, Tucker. *Side note – it’s not my choice to walk him at this time, believe me. The mister has a schedule and will not leave me the heck alone until I literally get out of bed and walk him.* Also, let’s be real here friends, the dog walks me. If you have ever had the pleasure of meeting this hyper as all hell dog, you would totally get it. My residents get a kick out of this and have been the talk of the afternoon during several coffee socials and gathering at the circle. Anyhoo, back to the story here. So here I am walking Tucker around the property (in my flannel PJ’s, boyfriends’ shoes, and a fleece jacket – holla!) and as he was doing his business (#2, even), I hear a knock coming from one of the building windows. I look up to see one of the new residents knocking. Confused, I’m not sure what the heck she wants so I just “smile and wave” and go on my merry way. I am almost around the corner when I hear the new resident shouting at me, waving her arms. *Side note – The resident was wearing what appeared to be a red robe and only a red robe.* I have no idea what she is blabbering about so Tuck and I start walking towards her. The new lady starts shouting at me telling me “this is private property” and that that people that live here are only allowed to walk their pets here. Puzzled, I told her that I lived here (Yes, it’s true. I live where I work). She then told me I did not live here and demanded to know how old I was. I told her I was 30 (no shame here)…She then said that no one my age lives here. I assured her that I, in fact, lived here. She then demanded to know where I lived. I told her that I lived at Cheek wood…Before going further with this absurd conversation (and I also realized she was NOT joking with me), I said “It’s me, Ali. I work and live here, remember?” As soon as I had said that, her face dropped. She then started to freak out on me, kids. She started apologizing profusely, confessing she did not recognize me because I was not wearing my glasses. She said that her and her friend (who ironically also just moved in) had been seeing this “young girl with a pit bull**” walking around and they were “scared.” She stated she had informed my boss about this and my boss told her to confront the girl as well as call the police. She then looked down at herself, apologized again and then jokingly said “At least I am looking out for the hood, right?”

And this my friends is how I started my Friday morning. I will now remember to wear my glasses because apparently I do not look like myself without them…I don’t get it…But whatever.

** Tucker is NOT a pit bull either. He is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier. AND he’s awesome.

Tucker

“I can’t believe my best friend leaves me alone with this crazy girl human.

She just won’t stop taking pictures of meeeeee.”

Tucker2

“This is the face that greets me every.single.morning.”

XxX –

Eldest.

 

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“Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??” -handsomejames

30 Sep

There really is not much to say other than I am stunned. Speechless, even. I found  yet another fabulous deal for good ‘ole match.com ($9.99) and thought I’d give round 2 a go…Not even being on this for 12 hours this is literally the FIRST message I receive from this awesome and ridiculous website….

Meet handsomejames –

Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??

Hey, You’re CUTE!!! Just a regular True Authentic MAN…..ever met ONE?…..WELL THEN…..I want to meet you and act like teenagers making out all night….let me know if you like to make out……maybe you don’t……my lips ARE the finest thing in life……you can take that to the bank….call me NOW, I’m here waiting… 11:55p 9-29 at 847-618-****….we can talk about your favorite perfume to wear….don’t kid yourself….this is NO JOKE….You want a fantasy date….call……YOU are just the Angel I neeeeeeeeed NOW….I’m ONLY HERE UNTIL Oct 12….then back to SB for me!!!!….. I am in a very private suite at ArlHtsRd/Central…all week..DON’T WASTE TIME…..This is a ONCE in a lifetime chance for a real fantasy experience……get out your sexiest nighty……call me Baby…..I know you need this….what little Angel doesn’t deserve a loving authentic Man?……Curious like the kitty?…I’ll use all of your nine lives killing you softly with kisses you will take to the grave..

So after rereading this unique message from my email account, I decided I needed to creep scope out handsomejames match.com profile…and this is what I found out….

In his own words….

NO GUTS, NO GLORY…..Where’s the love ladies? ONE!!!!! Not one of you want ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU “WANT” THISCRAP, AND THOSESHOES, that, andvtavel, and blanasabablaplap…who is up ndwants the sweets thing forAngels? “World’s Greatest Kisser” Start here and forget the rest. Taught at a very young age by a woman how to pleasure a woman into extacies…for hours….days…ever had that… Handsome (most of the time), clean, (shower once a month whether I need it or not), friendly, 48, (look younger?), healthy, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes you sick, poor, and stupid,” independent, educated, retired professional, funny (Ya think?), supportive, PROTECTIVE, experienced in life, LOVE,LAUGHTER, honest to a fault, active, with time on my hands for my friends, many interests and dreams (still), ex-every-extreme activity doer, hang glider pilot/crasher confined to wheelchair (24 years) seeks caring, compassionate, stable, cute, petite, patient, friend(s), lover(s), partner(s) in life, who like(s) to be held, hugged, and kissed often, early, for lunch, and all night. Neurotics, nut cases, alcoholics, or spoiled “I want” personalities need not apply BUT CAN BE RELEASED FROM THEIR FEARS with EFT,Meridian “Tapping”. I am as passionate and devoted to living life to the fullest as I was before I pushed envelope and crashed out making most of the active stuff a spectator sport. I’m not looking for and do not need a nursemaid or someone to micromanage my life. I am romantic and attentive to the love of my life and not into games or head trips. “Will work for back massages.” My most recent profession is teaching Energy Medicine.

And I know you are just DYING to know what handsomejames looks like…Here you go:

handsomejames
handsomejames58, Santa Barbara, CA
Seeking Female 20-55

 

Youngest is already preparing her speech for the big day. Middlest feels I should call him because it “would be hilarious.”Ally B is impressed with him because he has “been trained on how to please a woman.”

What are YOUR thoughts blog readers?

…..

This is going to be one long month…Happy Monday fools.

XoXo,

Eldest.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match….

9 Aug

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You know. Just a typical conversation between a bitty and me….

“Hey Ali. Heading to Green Bay anytime soon?” – Bitty

“Actually I’ll be there in two weeks for a Packer game.” 

“Well remember I told you I had two nephews that lived out that way?” – Bitty

(Did not remember this, but pretended like I did)

“Yea. Will they be at the game too?” 

“Oh. Well. I am not sure about that. I just found out the nephew I wanted you to meet/set you up with is gay.” – Bitty

“(Insert name), that’s the story of my life.”

“I mean I kind of had a feeling he was gay but did not want to make any assumptions.” – Bitty

“Well since we both like boys, we can become bff’s, tear up the town of Green Bay, and find men.”

…silence…

Praise Jesus it is Friday. That is all.

XoXo,

Eldest.

“Alright everybody in the conference room! I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! Just get in here, right now!”

Will you knit me a scarf?

18 Jul

My boss just informed me that one of our bitty’s is doing something “romantic” for his wife for her birthday. He (excitedly) told my boss that he plans on knitting her a scarf and/or socks. Kinda of cute, right? Wrong. Why do I say that? Well it is because the bitty is planning on using their CATS  hair as material. He has been SAVING the hair in plastic bags for MONTHS and plans on fung schui-ing the hair into either a scarf or socks. 

…..

Jim

…..

Am I wrong for thinking this is odd and a bit gross? Happy Thursday friends. Hope you aren’t sweating balls too much.

XxX,

 

Eldest

Birthday Mouse.

18 Jun

Earlier this month, I had the pleasure of celebrating early (for the first time) my 29th birthday at my place of employment. After having a delightful lunch with my bosses, I came back to the office and was showered with birthday cards, gifts, and had 25 bitties sing “Happy Birthday” to me. It was pretty neat. While packing up and getting ready to leave for my weekend adventure in Milwaukee, a lady bitty (one of my favs) came into my office and said she had something behind her back for me. She stated that her upstairs neighbor had received this at a work party and gave it to her “as a gift” and that she wanted me now to have it………

Sucker

 “Yes, it really is what you think.”

I giggled instantly telling her this was awesome to get. She, too, laughed admitting that she at first thought the sucker was a tiny mouse and had mentioned this to her neighbor upon receiving it. According to the bitty, her neighbor laughed so hard at  her.  The bitty shrugged her shoulders stating “it’s been a long time since I’ve had one of those in my possession.” She chuckled, gave me a hug, and told me she hoped my friends would get a kick out of it.

XxoO,

Eldest.

Liquid Dreams

24 Apr

Quite often, I have bitties that stop by my office and discuss their health issues that they have going on. Most of the time, I will admit, it is quite depressing on what they are battling with and going through. There is one bitty in particular that stops by and despite battling breast cancer has been able to inform me on the “perks” (she calls it) of getting treatment. Here are just (some) of the things that have literally come out of her mouth:

“This progesterone or whatever hormone they give men for their prostate makes me wakes up with a smile on my face. I am not quite sure how I feel about this.”

“This hormone is making me feel like what I feel is equivalent to a “wet dream” for a boy.  Shoot, I haven’t heard that term since I was 18…And here I thought only boys had that…”

“I’m worried that I might grow an “outside” organ…If you know what I mean…”

“Since on these hormones, I’ve had less chin hair growing…My face looks better, my skin feels good, and I don’t have to use that Nair product I bought at Walgreen’s….

And by far my favorite one liner by her (thus far)……

 

“If you were the right sex, I’d be all over you. Damn these hormones.”

 

For your viewing pleasure. And to think I was singing this song on top of my lungs in the shitter years ago….

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3bil5_o-town-liquid-dreams_music#.UXgbW6KG3To

XxX –

Eldest.

Bras & John Stamos.

5 Feb

 

For your Tuesday pleasure….A mini convo I had the other day with a lady bitty….

“I’m going let you in on a little secret. See this big Hawaii sweatshirt I am wearing? I used to have another one that had pretty Christmas Hawaiian flowers on it but got rid of it…Anyway; the reason why I am wearing this is because I have decided that I am no longer going to wear a bra around here. I want to relax my boobs. For years I have worn wired bras and the one side has always been irritated. Since I do not have a boy toy to massage it, I will just go without.” – Bitty 

“Well you could always find a boy toy….” – Me

“I don’t have that kind of money to be paying for one. Though it would be very, very nice to have one. You know, I keep buying that Greek Yogurt they advertise yet the man in the commercial never pops up.”   – Bitty

“John Stamos?” – Me

“Whatever his name is. My God he’s dreamy.” – Bitty

 

 

XoXo –

Eldest.

 

I like big butts and I cannot lie….

16 Jan

                 Several of the bible study ladies were chattering away about this or that.  While I was getting some water (trying to drink 8 glasses a day which is has been difficult for me to do) I overheard one of them comment that I “looked cute today” (I am wearing a sweater dress). I let them know that the only reason why I was wearing a dress was because all of my pants were dirty or wrinkly and since I loathe ironing and have been too lazy to do laundry, I had to wear a dress. One of the bitty’s stated that if she were “little” like me, she would wear the outfits I wear to work. I shrugged my shoulders admitting I didn’t think I was little and that I have a rather large/wide butt that I got from my mom’s side (well more like my Mom and Grandma but whatever). Another bitty chimed in stating that my “ass was not big” and that my “ass was high and firm which all the boys like” and that she “wished” she had a butt like that. Knowing I’d get a good response from it, I asked her if she wanted a butt like Kim Kardashian’s. The lady made a disgusted face and said “That girl is trash. Everything about her makes me sick. I know they x-rayed her ass. I still think it’s fake, fake, fake.” The bitty then stated as soon as I get to be their age, everything “drops…your ass, your boobs, your face, everything….” She then pointed to her chest stating that her “one boob hangs lower than the other one. It’s like a juggling act over here.”  ….The rest of the bitties giggled quite a bit at that comment  and I just politely sat there, dying inside (naturally).

“Au naturel, baby. That’s how I like them.

Swing low, sweet chariots.” – Creed Bratton

X.x.X

Eldest.

‘Tis the Season! Sh*t my Residents say….

19 Dec

So I walked into the office this morning and was greeted by several members of bible study. Here is what happened during my five minute conversation with them:

“Hi Ali!!!! How are you?” – Bitties

“Heeeeeey!!!! Oh I’m just fine. How are you kids?” – Me

The small talk continued on for a few minutes and then….

“Soooooo Ali…How’s your love life?” – Bitty

Shrugs shoulders. “Uh, it’s there. I mean…” – Me

“….Well she would obviously look radiant if she had someone in her life.” – Man bitty

This is the same man bitty that gave me shit a couple weeks ago about me never being in a good mood. Anyhoo, I gave him a fake smile/I want to destroy you right now look before I sweetly said….

“Oh Bitty (I said his name, I did not call him bitty)… I ALWAYS look radiant though.” – Me

I then slapped him on the back with my fake smile still on my face. The lady bitties laugh hysterically and tell him that I “really got him.” A lady bitty grew serious, telling me that I did not need a love but told me that I should get a cat to be my companion. Apparently my “Jim from The Office” look kind of gave how I was feeling away.  Another lady bitty told the other lady bitty that was “absurd” and that I needed to be married for “at least 10 years” before getting a cat. She then looked at me, smiled with excitement and told me as soon as I have a “lover” they will rent the clubhouse and celebrate. I shook my head taking this brief convo in. Not going to lie, I do not understand how a cat could replace a “lover” especially since I am not a cat lover to begin with…Hmmmm….

|I mean I could see this being me…Minus the cats….|

 

P.S.: Aaaaaand I was just told by a man bitty that he “f*cking hated me” and my boss just kicked him out of the office for also saying other sassy things about people in the clubhouse. The sad part of this, I don’t know what I did. I mean if I did something to make him f*cking hate me then perhaps this would all would make sense. But nonetheless as Charlie Harper would say in Two and Half Men…”Hmmmm.”

 

 

 ‘Tis the season bitches. #OmgThisJustDidNotHappen #IAmLaughingAndNotCryingWhichIsNeat #DoesThisMeanIHaveAHeartOfCoal

XxX, 

Eldest

Happy Monday.

26 Nov

It is Monday. It is the Monday after Thanksgiving. I am battling a rather nasty cold that I feel I got while being at home for five days (worth it, I love being at home). I am on a lot of drugs so I can attempt to feel like a million bucks today. They appear to be working. This afternoon, I had an old bitty stop in to visit with me.

“Hi, there dear. How are you? How was your weekend?” – G

“Hey there, G. I’m fine. My weekend was great.  Just got in yesterday.”  – Me

{Insert several seconds of awkward staring at one another}

“You look different.” – G

“Yea?” – Me

“Yea. It looks like you just had sex over the weekend.” – G

“Uhhhh…” – Me (I had gotten my hair done over the weekend so I was not expecting to hear that…)

“Your skin is very clear and smooth. Your eyes are glossy and you seem more “mellow” than usual.” – G

“…Or it could be that I have a cold and am on a lot of drugs at the moment.” – Me

“Oh.Well there you go. You now have a “back-up” to look the way you do right now if you don’t get sex over the weekend.” – G

 …..

Game over. I’m done for the day.

xXx.

Eldest