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“Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??” -handsomejames

30 Sep

There really is not much to say other than I am stunned. Speechless, even. I found  yet another fabulous deal for good ‘ole match.com ($9.99) and thought I’d give round 2 a go…Not even being on this for 12 hours this is literally the FIRST message I receive from this awesome and ridiculous website….

Meet handsomejames –

Wanna take a break for a paperback novel fantasy??

Hey, You’re CUTE!!! Just a regular True Authentic MAN…..ever met ONE?…..WELL THEN…..I want to meet you and act like teenagers making out all night….let me know if you like to make out……maybe you don’t……my lips ARE the finest thing in life……you can take that to the bank….call me NOW, I’m here waiting… 11:55p 9-29 at 847-618-****….we can talk about your favorite perfume to wear….don’t kid yourself….this is NO JOKE….You want a fantasy date….call……YOU are just the Angel I neeeeeeeeed NOW….I’m ONLY HERE UNTIL Oct 12….then back to SB for me!!!!….. I am in a very private suite at ArlHtsRd/Central…all week..DON’T WASTE TIME…..This is a ONCE in a lifetime chance for a real fantasy experience……get out your sexiest nighty……call me Baby…..I know you need this….what little Angel doesn’t deserve a loving authentic Man?……Curious like the kitty?…I’ll use all of your nine lives killing you softly with kisses you will take to the grave..

So after rereading this unique message from my email account, I decided I needed to creep scope out handsomejames match.com profile…and this is what I found out….

In his own words….

NO GUTS, NO GLORY…..Where’s the love ladies? ONE!!!!! Not one of you want ME!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU “WANT” THISCRAP, AND THOSESHOES, that, andvtavel, and blanasabablaplap…who is up ndwants the sweets thing forAngels? “World’s Greatest Kisser” Start here and forget the rest. Taught at a very young age by a woman how to pleasure a woman into extacies…for hours….days…ever had that… Handsome (most of the time), clean, (shower once a month whether I need it or not), friendly, 48, (look younger?), healthy, “Early to bed, early to rise, makes you sick, poor, and stupid,” independent, educated, retired professional, funny (Ya think?), supportive, PROTECTIVE, experienced in life, LOVE,LAUGHTER, honest to a fault, active, with time on my hands for my friends, many interests and dreams (still), ex-every-extreme activity doer, hang glider pilot/crasher confined to wheelchair (24 years) seeks caring, compassionate, stable, cute, petite, patient, friend(s), lover(s), partner(s) in life, who like(s) to be held, hugged, and kissed often, early, for lunch, and all night. Neurotics, nut cases, alcoholics, or spoiled “I want” personalities need not apply BUT CAN BE RELEASED FROM THEIR FEARS with EFT,Meridian “Tapping”. I am as passionate and devoted to living life to the fullest as I was before I pushed envelope and crashed out making most of the active stuff a spectator sport. I’m not looking for and do not need a nursemaid or someone to micromanage my life. I am romantic and attentive to the love of my life and not into games or head trips. “Will work for back massages.” My most recent profession is teaching Energy Medicine.

And I know you are just DYING to know what handsomejames looks like…Here you go:

handsomejames
handsomejames58, Santa Barbara, CA
Seeking Female 20-55

 

Youngest is already preparing her speech for the big day. Middlest feels I should call him because it “would be hilarious.”Ally B is impressed with him because he has “been trained on how to please a woman.”

What are YOUR thoughts blog readers?

…..

This is going to be one long month…Happy Monday fools.

XoXo,

Eldest.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match….

9 Aug

Image

You know. Just a typical conversation between a bitty and me….

“Hey Ali. Heading to Green Bay anytime soon?” – Bitty

“Actually I’ll be there in two weeks for a Packer game.” 

“Well remember I told you I had two nephews that lived out that way?” – Bitty

(Did not remember this, but pretended like I did)

“Yea. Will they be at the game too?” 

“Oh. Well. I am not sure about that. I just found out the nephew I wanted you to meet/set you up with is gay.” – Bitty

“(Insert name), that’s the story of my life.”

“I mean I kind of had a feeling he was gay but did not want to make any assumptions.” – Bitty

“Well since we both like boys, we can become bff’s, tear up the town of Green Bay, and find men.”

…silence…

Praise Jesus it is Friday. That is all.

XoXo,

Eldest.

“Alright everybody in the conference room! I don’t care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! Just get in here, right now!”

‘Tis the Season! Sh*t my Residents say….

19 Dec

So I walked into the office this morning and was greeted by several members of bible study. Here is what happened during my five minute conversation with them:

“Hi Ali!!!! How are you?” – Bitties

“Heeeeeey!!!! Oh I’m just fine. How are you kids?” – Me

The small talk continued on for a few minutes and then….

“Soooooo Ali…How’s your love life?” – Bitty

Shrugs shoulders. “Uh, it’s there. I mean…” – Me

“….Well she would obviously look radiant if she had someone in her life.” – Man bitty

This is the same man bitty that gave me shit a couple weeks ago about me never being in a good mood. Anyhoo, I gave him a fake smile/I want to destroy you right now look before I sweetly said….

“Oh Bitty (I said his name, I did not call him bitty)… I ALWAYS look radiant though.” – Me

I then slapped him on the back with my fake smile still on my face. The lady bitties laugh hysterically and tell him that I “really got him.” A lady bitty grew serious, telling me that I did not need a love but told me that I should get a cat to be my companion. Apparently my “Jim from The Office” look kind of gave how I was feeling away.  Another lady bitty told the other lady bitty that was “absurd” and that I needed to be married for “at least 10 years” before getting a cat. She then looked at me, smiled with excitement and told me as soon as I have a “lover” they will rent the clubhouse and celebrate. I shook my head taking this brief convo in. Not going to lie, I do not understand how a cat could replace a “lover” especially since I am not a cat lover to begin with…Hmmmm….

|I mean I could see this being me…Minus the cats….|

 

P.S.: Aaaaaand I was just told by a man bitty that he “f*cking hated me” and my boss just kicked him out of the office for also saying other sassy things about people in the clubhouse. The sad part of this, I don’t know what I did. I mean if I did something to make him f*cking hate me then perhaps this would all would make sense. But nonetheless as Charlie Harper would say in Two and Half Men…”Hmmmm.”

 

 

 ‘Tis the season bitches. #OmgThisJustDidNotHappen #IAmLaughingAndNotCryingWhichIsNeat #DoesThisMeanIHaveAHeartOfCoal

XxX, 

Eldest

A Cheesehead living in Bear country…

13 Sep

I have lived in the suburbs of Chicago for a good two and a half years and I have had my plenty of share of getting crap about being a Packers fan…especially by my old bitties. I have noticed though that a lot of Bear fans I encounter are down right mean when it comes to the Packers. I understand that it is the longest rivalry between two teams and that there can be tension among the fans but shoot..Wishing someone get hurt or hating a person who is a Packer player (I feel) is a little bit what I like to call “too much, too soon.” I admit that I am not all that crazy about the Bears. In fact, I dislike them…a lot. I find Jay Cutler to be disgusting and agree with my sister (a shout-out to Youngest, holla!) that he looks like he is a sloppy kisser.

Can I also just say that he slightly resembles Alec Baldwin?

Poor Alec Baldwin 😦

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to some of the encounters I have had with Bear fans once they find out I am a Packer fan. The main story below is, in fact, a conversation I had with the lovely emission’s dude this morning. After you read about our “awesome” convo I also have not one, but two short OkCupid messages I have received since the season started (officially a week ago, I might add).

……

After a good two months of avoiding it, I finally decided to get my emission’s test done on Blanche (yes, my boat of a car has a name). Not knowing how long this would take me, I decided to get ready for the day. Since today is the “big” game (Bears vs Packers for those who are football fans) I decided to proudly wear my green and gold NEW t-shirt. After pulling Blanche into the garage and having the guy tell me to keep her running, he opens the door for me and I heard him (softly) mutter, “You are wearing the wrong color shirt.”  Just to make sure I understood him, I opened the door and asked him if he really just told me that I was wearing the wrong shirt. He shrugs, smiles, points to the ceiling asking me if I “knew where I was right now?” He then says that I should be wearing a “Bears t-shirt because you are in Bears country.” Nodding, I explain to him that I understand where I currently live; however, I was raised in the northern Wisconsin area therefore I grew up (proudly) as Cheese head. He then told me that he hates Wisconsin because at the age of 18 months he caught his first and middle fingers in an escalator (going up) leaving him with permanent raised fingerprints….Of course he then showed me his battle wounds in which I told him that was not good for business…(I mean what the hell do I say to that?) Shaking his head again he says that the Bears are going to “whoop those Cheeseheads.”  He then reminded me that the Packers lost last week and that the Bears won “by a lot.”  Since he had (some) control on whether or not Blanche passed my emission’s test or not, I calmly bit my lip, nodded, and said it should be a very good game tonight. What I really wanted to say was that the better team won last week (which was true. The 49ers played much better than the Pack…) and that the Bears won by 20 points to a team that was ranked dead LAST in the NFL last year…DEAD LAST. It would be an embarrassment if they lost against the Colts…(No offense to Colts fans). Instead I just let him have pride in his team.

He then proceeded to tell me that the Packers are the only community owned team in the NFL (no crap, I am not that stupid) and that we should be thanking the old Bears owner for giving “us” money to keep our franchise alive…because “we were dead a*s broke way back in the day.” Not knowing if that was true or not (Is it?!), I nodded, thanked him and told him I had just learned something new today. He smiled again, nodding, and as I was driving away shouted, “Da Bears!”

…..

A now a brief word from the world’s coolest FREE online dating website…OkCupid!

Mtymouse68                     23% enemy 68% Friend 61% Match

“Glad you like football..But a Packers fan?” Sent from the OkCupid app

“Indeed a Packers fan. Wouldn’t have it any other way.” –Me

“;) Will see I think the Bears will get u this year.” Sent from the OkCupid app

 |No response from me. Can anyone guess why?|

This morning:

“Da Bears! Gonna stomp the Pack tonight !!! Have a great day ;)”

 |&%&$&@!|

……

Chihawksfanatic       32% Enemy 40% Friend 58% Match

“Packers suck.” Sent from OkCupid app 

“Boy, you sure know how to woo a girl…”– Me

“Caught your attention, didn’t I?” Sent from OkCupid app

|Boom roasted; I decided not to answer him|

Sunday evening rolls along….

“Bears win Packers lose yes” Sent from the OkCupid app

|FML|

I pray that the Packers win tonight. I really do not want to hear the old bitties or anyone that I talk to from now on tell me how much “we suck.” I do not know how my cousins handle this (both are married to Bear fans)….

XoXo,

Eldest.

Aside

You asked for it….

27 Aug

“Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. “Little Kid Lover.” That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.”

I decided to dedicate a post to my awesome online dating messages

From Bored_Gamer. This gentlemen and I had been messaging back and forth. I finally told him my name (Ali) and even put my name at the end of my last message. His response was this:

Hi Carrie,

I’m running all over tomorrow and I’m not sure when I will be done with work. I think Thursday will work and meeting in the middle sounds fine. Sorry I can’t be more definite, I’m working on a dificult part of this project and get called all over the place. I will write you tomorrow when I’m sure about Thursday. Any place in mind?

Nick

I’m sorry. But how the hell does one get Carrie from my name? Perhaps he was thinking he was talking to another lady on Ok or something but I decided to respectfully decline meeting him.

 …

From Scooby_S – 90% Enemy, 0% Friend, 10% Match

Hey! =) Id love to know more about you! You have a great smile! You sound like a wonderful women…I used to live in Elk grove…I wnet to school there… Hope to talk to you soon!
-Steven

&

From jr242

“Sweetheart your gorgeous.”

I am sure people are wondering why I thought these needed to be on my list of ridiculous messages but those who know me should understand why it made the list right away.

 …

 Randomly one night I received a message from a dude with the username ml643. This is all he wrote. “Hey. How are you tonight?” I decided to creep on his profile to see what this dude was all about and this is what I got:

“So, I’m a 30 year old separated guy in Chicago for business. I’m interested in meeting a nice, sexy and uninhibited woman for a short term fling while I’m here. I travel to the Chicago area pretty frequently, so if the connection is there, I might be open to something ongoing.”

WTF. No where in my profile does it say I want a short term fling or have casual sex with anyone nor has it ever said that.

 …

From Onemoveahead. Even though I had posted this little number on Middlest’s wall, I needed to include it in this post. It’s ridiculous. He no longer has an account therefore I was unable to grab a photo of him wearing a lovely cheese head hat.

 Hi. I’m Big Mike. You have a sick profile and an even sicker smile!

I propose 6 unthinkable options for your viewing pleasure at the very least. Each option provides untold pain and misery should you choose to embark:

1. We can take things slow and have a Q&A session over a few “get to know you” e-mails before meeting.

2. We can shift into 2nd gear, trade digits, and exchange hundreds of texts for a conversation that would’ve taken 30 minutes had we just talked.

3. If you want to skip the foreplay, we could meet within the next couple days for drinks or dinner and embrace each others’ awesomeness.

4. If you think you have a pair, we could shift into max gear and I could throw you into a sea of passion, rip off all your clothes, explore your body and make love to you like no other man would [NOT RECOMMENDED – JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE].

5. If none of my options entice you or if number 4 drew a cold blank stare, you’re free to tell me to go violate myself with a number of objects.

6. We can grab my balls and whack them….on the tennis court.

Why should I have all the fun? Feel free to add your own options or combine some of mine.

Big Mike

 …

Toogoodmaybe 21% Enemy 81% Friend 58% Match

I have no clue what the hell I was thinking, but I gave him my number. While at work, he left me a voicemail:

“Hey Ali. This is John giving you a call again. I noticed that you had clicked on my profile again but you never picked up the phone to call me back…Sooo this is me telling you that I promise I am way more fun to kiss in real life than to imagine it. So give me a call.”

DAlete

 …

Here are some one-liners for your reading enjoyment…..

Jsmm1986

“UUGH! Why does beauty have to be so far away?”

 …

XFOOTBALLPRO7

38% Enemy 59% Friend 52% Match

“im very intersted in u”

 …

Slupreeboy44

“Sexy.”

 …

Football 1721            60% Enemy 29% Friend 21% Match

“You look wild.”

Really? Do I really look wild? FYI, this was my picture at the time:

Really? How does this make me look wild?

 …

Playbigg  92% Enemy 0% Friend 0% Match

“Wow…you’re gorgeous. Any interest in younger guys………?”

Curious as to how “young” this dude was, I creeped on his profile to find out this young whipper snapper was 18. Fucking 18. As much as I have been known to like the younger guys and am fan of Nick Jonas (who is 19) and the Biebs (who is 18), I just found it to be a bit young for me. Perhaps he was looking for a sugar mama but if he would have read my profile he would see that I am social worker and make diddly squat. However, with a profile pic of this I know that I will be regretting my decision later on.

 An image of playbigg

From alexdel9355

“So your from the u.p. hu? I have friends from there they call me a fib if you know what it means laugh out loud ! if you dont message me i wont bite promise.”

 …

From runner211600 38% Enemy 37% Friend 39% Match

“Ever done a threesome?”

His profile had photos of him and his girlfriend. Both were looking for a good looking, nice girl to suit their needs….

From yourmom132

“hey there;) want to have some fun tonight??”

He messaged the same thing twice to me.

 …

From ilovelattemocha

“Hi, I have come across your profile on this site and really intrigued by it. I have got an offer and wondering if you would be interested in hearing it. This is a relevant offer. So let me know either way :)”

 …

From JoeSmoo2000

“your smoken hot. marry me please.”

 …

From latenight91607

“Damn you are gorgeous…i am in town this weekend…

Care to be my dinner date tonight…Rafeael

 …

From jrfpok

“God damn you’re sexy. Want to hook up?”

 …

After living in EGV for a little under a year, my good friend Nick told me that he recently joined OkCupid and suggested I give it a try. Since it was free and I did not have anything to lose, I decided to give it a whirl. Well, readers, let me tell you…It’s been a very “interesting” experience to say the least. As most of you know, I did not date much in high school or college so dating in general was/still is all new to me. Since I have been on OkC I have met and gone out with several nice guys along with several douchebags (though at the time I thought they were ‘nice’). Those who were nice I continued to make ‘appointments’ with to see if anything would progress…But no cigar. There were several times where I thought it was all hunky-dory but in reality they were the ones not interested…And boy oh boy does rejection suck. Praise Jesus I have Middlest, Youngest, and awesome friends who let me bitch/vent/cry/bitch some more about it.

Anyhoo, with that said I believe I am going to ‘dAlete’ my OkC profile soon and give a whirl at paying for love. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to date a face like this???

Image 

XxX –

Eldest.