Archive | September, 2012

EEK & MEEK: Reasons Why Middlest & Youngest are INDEED Identical

26 Sep

I recently caught two of my co-workers looking at a Wikipedia page linked to “twins”.  Being naïve and blunt, I yelled “Hey! I’m a twin!”    [like they didn’t know…]   and began questioning this random search interest.  Their reasoning?  THEY DO NOT BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY MEGHAN AND I ARE IDENTICAL TWINS.

I do not mean to be a princess about this subject, however, I feel as if I am always defending my likeness to so many folk I have met in Southeast Wisconsin.  This is not the first time that I had to explain to them that Middlest and I are, indeed, identical – this affair has occurred a handful of times at this particular work place.  As a matter of fact, there have been two handful of times where Middlest and I would have to defend our honor of being identical twinsnatural, without scientific intervention.

Top Perceived Reasonings to Why Meghan and I are “Not Identical”:

  • I can tell you apart! Yes, my family members, close friends, common acquaintances, and co-workers can, indeed, tell the differences between us.  Don’t you think this has anything to do with the fact you see us either solo or together all the time?  If you stared at two Siamese cats for an extended period of time, you would be able to differentiate between the two as well.
  • Meghan is taller. Yep.  She is an inch taller.  As a matter of fact, she is a half-shoe size larger than me as well. “BUT ANISSA?! IF YOU ARE IDENTICAL, HOW CAN THIS BEEEE?!” This is simply because Middlest and I were born 5-weeks pre-mature.  In 1986, this was a big fruckin’ deal, ya’ll.  Meghan simply received more nutrients while we shared the same womb and weighed 2.59 pounds more than me at birth.  Entering this world at 3lbs 11oz had me in NICU for a little over a month while Middlest went home after two weeks.  Plus, I hate milk.  Yeah – that would change the growth pattern on identical twins.
  • Your hair is different. …Really?!?!?!
  • Identical twins have the EXACT same birthmarks and markings. This is false.  We share the same DNA and blood type, but not the same markings.  As a matter of fact, I was never born with moles on my face and large beauty mark    [that’s what my mom calls it, anyway…how cute is she?!]    on the back of my leg.  That all came with childhood, people!


Top Reasons Why We are Identical:

  • The doctor said so.Yeah, we came out of the same amniotic sac and shared a placenta.  Identical twins always share the same placenta, in most cases – fraternal twins have their own sac. Monozygotic = Uno Zygotico!
  • We look alike. Contrary to popular belief by few, Middlest and I do look very much alike.  If we did not have a sister, then I may actually pay $200 for DNA testing.  Why is this?  Because sister, Eldest, is shy of 18-months older than us.

How does this make a difference one may ask?  Look below:

“BUT ANUS, YOU THREE EACH LOOK LIKE SISTERSSSSSSSS!”

  • Eyes. Eldest has hazel green eyes – a trait inherited by my father    [that bitch]    and “sad eyes” inherited by my mother.    [envious]    Meghan and I have blue gray eyes with a yellow “sun” around our pupils.    [“poop eyes”, as my former lover likes to call it — dick]    If you can tell, Eldest’s hair is very thick, and she has A LOT of it. Look at her eyebrows and eyelashes!  They are so bushy and long! I’ll be lucky to have a few eye hairs post-menopause.    [helloooooo Latisse!]
  • Nose and Ears. Yes, foolish oneWe are sisters.  On another note, Middlest and I have very similar noses    [thanks Grandma Kook]    – Eldest’s nose is so wittle and cute as a button. *bop*

    Besides Middlest having a “vagina ear”   [an environmental trait caused by a failed tragus piercing], they are indeed identical looking as well.  Eldest’s ears are much smaller – ironic since she is a huge fan of Dumbo.

  • Hair. If one could look closer, Eldest’s hair is naturally lighter brown and was once naturally curly.    [it is not anymore, but that is a whole other blog]    Middlest and I have very fine, thin, and annoyingly straight hair. It is also slightly darker.  One similarity shared between the three of us is upper lip hairWoof!
  • Our Hands and Feet. I love my feet and hands.  Eldest hates them. These appendages are scary similar between Middlest and me.  We have very bony, veiny hands and feet.  As a matter of fact, my mother used to compare these similarities when we were babies and children.  She still does this to our hands annually at Christmas Midnight Mass.   [Clearly we are Catholic]  She always shakes her head, grins, and whispers “how are you two NOT identical?”.    [Never deny a mother’s instinct…Neva!]

    Our fingers are long, our toes are long.  Eldest’s hands and toes are very much opposite of ours: short fingers/toes and quite small – in her words: “little boy hands” and “short and stubby”   [You are beautiful, no matter what you say]

  • Our Arms. Ali’s nickname is T-Rex I am done.

Now, ladies and gentlemen…if Meghan and I were indeed fraternal twins, do you not think we would each have different physical traits of Alison?

We look alike.  We came from the same sac.  We have the same DNA and blood type.  We have identical features.  I am sorry that you are pissed at the environment for making us not look freaky identical – but this is how God wants us to be so please, leave us alone SE Wisconsin amigos.


Note to the Public: Never EVER make fun of Youngest’s holiday ears in front of Eldest.  She will destroy you with her T-Rex arms.  She is one quick singleton.

A Cheesehead living in Bear country…

13 Sep

I have lived in the suburbs of Chicago for a good two and a half years and I have had my plenty of share of getting crap about being a Packers fan…especially by my old bitties. I have noticed though that a lot of Bear fans I encounter are down right mean when it comes to the Packers. I understand that it is the longest rivalry between two teams and that there can be tension among the fans but shoot..Wishing someone get hurt or hating a person who is a Packer player (I feel) is a little bit what I like to call “too much, too soon.” I admit that I am not all that crazy about the Bears. In fact, I dislike them…a lot. I find Jay Cutler to be disgusting and agree with my sister (a shout-out to Youngest, holla!) that he looks like he is a sloppy kisser.

Can I also just say that he slightly resembles Alec Baldwin?

Poor Alec Baldwin 😦

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to some of the encounters I have had with Bear fans once they find out I am a Packer fan. The main story below is, in fact, a conversation I had with the lovely emission’s dude this morning. After you read about our “awesome” convo I also have not one, but two short OkCupid messages I have received since the season started (officially a week ago, I might add).

……

After a good two months of avoiding it, I finally decided to get my emission’s test done on Blanche (yes, my boat of a car has a name). Not knowing how long this would take me, I decided to get ready for the day. Since today is the “big” game (Bears vs Packers for those who are football fans) I decided to proudly wear my green and gold NEW t-shirt. After pulling Blanche into the garage and having the guy tell me to keep her running, he opens the door for me and I heard him (softly) mutter, “You are wearing the wrong color shirt.”  Just to make sure I understood him, I opened the door and asked him if he really just told me that I was wearing the wrong shirt. He shrugs, smiles, points to the ceiling asking me if I “knew where I was right now?” He then says that I should be wearing a “Bears t-shirt because you are in Bears country.” Nodding, I explain to him that I understand where I currently live; however, I was raised in the northern Wisconsin area therefore I grew up (proudly) as Cheese head. He then told me that he hates Wisconsin because at the age of 18 months he caught his first and middle fingers in an escalator (going up) leaving him with permanent raised fingerprints….Of course he then showed me his battle wounds in which I told him that was not good for business…(I mean what the hell do I say to that?) Shaking his head again he says that the Bears are going to “whoop those Cheeseheads.”  He then reminded me that the Packers lost last week and that the Bears won “by a lot.”  Since he had (some) control on whether or not Blanche passed my emission’s test or not, I calmly bit my lip, nodded, and said it should be a very good game tonight. What I really wanted to say was that the better team won last week (which was true. The 49ers played much better than the Pack…) and that the Bears won by 20 points to a team that was ranked dead LAST in the NFL last year…DEAD LAST. It would be an embarrassment if they lost against the Colts…(No offense to Colts fans). Instead I just let him have pride in his team.

He then proceeded to tell me that the Packers are the only community owned team in the NFL (no crap, I am not that stupid) and that we should be thanking the old Bears owner for giving “us” money to keep our franchise alive…because “we were dead a*s broke way back in the day.” Not knowing if that was true or not (Is it?!), I nodded, thanked him and told him I had just learned something new today. He smiled again, nodding, and as I was driving away shouted, “Da Bears!”

…..

A now a brief word from the world’s coolest FREE online dating website…OkCupid!

Mtymouse68                     23% enemy 68% Friend 61% Match

“Glad you like football..But a Packers fan?” Sent from the OkCupid app

“Indeed a Packers fan. Wouldn’t have it any other way.” –Me

“;) Will see I think the Bears will get u this year.” Sent from the OkCupid app

 |No response from me. Can anyone guess why?|

This morning:

“Da Bears! Gonna stomp the Pack tonight !!! Have a great day ;)”

 |&%&$&@!|

……

Chihawksfanatic       32% Enemy 40% Friend 58% Match

“Packers suck.” Sent from OkCupid app 

“Boy, you sure know how to woo a girl…”– Me

“Caught your attention, didn’t I?” Sent from OkCupid app

|Boom roasted; I decided not to answer him|

Sunday evening rolls along….

“Bears win Packers lose yes” Sent from the OkCupid app

|FML|

I pray that the Packers win tonight. I really do not want to hear the old bitties or anyone that I talk to from now on tell me how much “we suck.” I do not know how my cousins handle this (both are married to Bear fans)….

XoXo,

Eldest.